DALLAS, TX – After initial resistance, Dallas mayor Tom Leppert and Fort Worth mayor Mike Moncrief have announced that they will relinquish their city-issued monkey butlers. As is usually done, the mayors of both cities are required to give their monkey butlers back at the end of their terms.
“I had conjured a plan to try and keep him by passing him off as my hairy nephew, maybe teach him to skateboard or something,” said Moncrief of his monkey butler, Chimpington.
The monkey butlers are a lesser known city-issued perk of the mayor’s office. The monkeys are well trained in household servant duties such as drawing a bath, ironing shirts, and serving dinner guests.
“I have to admit, I’ve grown accustomed to waking up to my slippers and newspaper brought to me by a chimp every morning. I won’t miss the hairs in my coffee though. Oh, and the feces,” said Moncrief.
Leppert is said to have checked on the monkey butler status of U.S. Senators before resigning as mayor and announcing his candidacy for Senate.
“Let’s just say Senators are upgraded from monkeys a bit. Go rent ‘Every Which Way But Loose’ if you need more of a clue,” said Leppert. “It’s the chauffeur – the orangutan chauffeur.”
While federal and local governments have been slashing spending recently, city officials do not have cutting the monkey butler program on the agenda. Said one council member, “A pothole here or there isn’t really a big deal, but if we aren’t willing to provide monkey butlers to our mayors, that’s just one step closer to being savages.”