Stars Fire Coach for Refusing to Play Magical Hockey Unicorn

DALLAS, TX – With the Dallas Stars failing to make the NHL playoffs for the third straight year, the fallout has already cost coach Marc Crawford his job. Stars General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk found the subpar season to be unacceptable and in particular faulted his refusal to play their Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn.

Dallas Stars Magical Hockey Unicorn
Legend has it that unicorn foals practice shooting ceaselessly to appease their overbearing parents

“We felt that the players needed a new voice, that this coach wasn’t getting the maximum effort out of the team, and that he should have put the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn on the ice more to help us win games,” said Nieuwendyk.

The Stars signed the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn as a free agent after he floated down from a rainbow in Victory Park by the American Airlines Center last fall. His impressive tryout for the team led many to believe he would lead the Stars to the playoffs, but coach Crawford refused to play him anytime other than the final period of blowout games.

“He was slow to learn our plays which caused a lot of confusion. He rarely passed and would take wild shots from 80 feet. He has to be the most talented hockey playing equine I’ve ever seen, but I felt he was too raw,” said Crawford.

Certain Stars players, too, were unsure of the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn’s ability to help the team. Many felt he was a clubhouse distraction, focused on his own glory and not the team.

“I thought he was a new mascot for the first month,” said Stars forward Steve Ott. “Also, he craps on the locker room floor, which is not cool. I hope the new coach can do something about that.”

The Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn is only the second magical animal currently in the NHL. The other is Maurice Richard Sea Lion of the Montreal Canadiens, a sea lion which is the reincarnation of hockey legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard.

4 Replies to “Stars Fire Coach for Refusing to Play Magical Hockey Unicorn”

  1. Look, I love MHPU as much as the next Stars fan. Hell, I even have his classic throwback jersey from his college days at Myth U (Go Griffons!). But you can’t put an entire team’s season on the back of one sports-playing animal. Just ask Buffalo and Mr. Whiskers, the field goal kicking river otter.

  2. Look, Mr. Whiskers, as swift as his kick was (actually I heard Mr. Whiskers may have been a female, no birth certificate to prove otherwise), was NOT magical. Metaphorically? Perhaps…but not literally magical. If the Stars are going to win one of those shiny cup things this upcoming season they’re going to need a little magic, hell maybe a lot of magic. Magic is difficult to quantify outside of dust form.

  3. I’ll agree with you that Mr. Whiskers was not magical (in the literal sense), but I WILL NOT stand by as you deface his character! Mr. Whiskers was not a female. That was a rumor started by the Patriots when Hank Bullough was forced to neuter him. Before that he’d growl at his teammates and try to mate with the ball.

  4. You’re right, I crossed the line: I shouldn’t perpetuate unsubstantiated rumors, especially those started by the EVIL Patriots. I lost all respect for the Patriots after Belichick hired that floating eyeball thing from Big Trouble in Little China to spy on opposing teams.

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