AUSTIN – With a grand jury indictment for 2 felony political charges, Texas Governor Rick Perry is planning ahead for any possible outcome. While his attorneys prepare a defense to exonerate him of the political corruption and coercion charges, Perry is already preparing for the potential of prolonged time behind bars.
Perry has been hitting the gym daily in the event that a confrontation with an inmate occurs. Perry then demonstrated his physical prowess by snapping a broom handle in half across his thigh as he spoke with us.
“And just like that, I’ve got 2 multi-purpose weapons. Rick Perry is not about to be somebody’s bitch, I can tell you that.
“Mind you I’m going to be careful about the way I go about doling out retribution. There’s lots of spots in prisons where the video cameras don’t go,” said Perry.
Governor Perry and his wife Anita have been spending the evenings together developing prison survival skills such as making a shiv out of household objects. Anita proudly showed off one of her husband’s sharpened spoon handles by jabbing it into a honeydew.
Perry is working on blending in more readily with the crowd as well. He’s added several tattoos, including ones on his knuckles, “Adios Mofo” in Old English script on his back, and “Snitches Get Stitches” on his chest.
While a conviction would cause certain lifestyle changes, Perry intends to limit a possible fall from grace by staying at the top of the food chain in prison.
“I’ve got a couple of people lined up on the outside that can get in some good shit. Cigarettes, DVDs, phones, you name it,” said Perry. “As usual, I try to live my life by Cypress Hill lyrics. So when the shit goes down, I plan to be ready.”