Study: Adults Free and Clear on Education Budget Cuts As It’s Not Like They Go to School Anyway

AUSTIN, TX – A new study released has determined that proposed Texas school spending cuts won’t affect the majority of adults as most schools are targeted towards educating kids. The news is sure to be a relief to adults who may have been worried about the budget cuts under discussion by the state legislature.

An adult unaffected by school budget cuts
Education budget cuts haven’t affected pizza deliveries or naps

“All these spending cuts were bumming me out. But it’s good to know that I won’t really notice them,” said one Arlington adult.

“I guess if we gotta cut spending I’d rather it be something that doesn’t affect me.”

A researcher conducting the study remembered that after graduating from Texas Tech, he had stopped going to school. He discovered that in fact most adults surveyed were not in school, including some that hadn’t been in decades.

Given the study’s findings, it’s expected that adults can stop worrying about the budget cuts. Some adults will undoubtedly regret their time spent protesting the measures upon realizing they don’t even go to school.

“At first I was worried about student-teacher ratios, but then I realized that I work at Ikea, and we don’t have teachers – just affordable Swedish furniture,” said Trevor Weiler of Frisco.

Kindergarten through 12th grade schools in fact are largely full of kids, so the issue mostly relates to them. The study also shows that the same kids that would be affected by the possible cuts aren’t even paying attention to the ongoing legislative session.

“Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call to third graders coasting through life,” said Grapevine retiree Joni Rudolph.

As a solution to the issue, some state officials have suggested that the budget cuts would be a lot easier if most kids would take some time off from school and “chill out” until the economy improves.

 

Fort Worth Resident Still Using Appearance in “Logan’s Run” as Claim to Fame

FORT WORTH, TX – A brief appearance in “Logan’s Run” as an extra has given local waitress Dee Johnson more boasting than could have ever been anticipated. Johnson continues to use the bit performance as her claim to fame 35 years after the movie debuted.

Fort Worth's Water Garden
Johnson often hangs around the Fort Worth Water Gardens in hopes of striking up a conversation about the film

Johnson is known to work mentions of the appearance in to just about any situation. Customers sitting in her section of the restaurant Johnson has served lunch at for decades are almost certain to hear a reference to the episode.

“She’s kind of an artist at finding a connection to any conversation,” said fellow waitress Erin Greenwood. “Some guy will ask if he can substitute green beans for fries, and that will somehow lead into how they just don’t make movies that resonate like ‘Logan’s Run’ anymore.”

With her brief appearance now decades in the past though, the story doesn’t play as well as it used to.

“Most of time now I overhear her trying to explain what ‘Logan’s Run’ was to some group of teenagers,” said one cook. “We even used to have a dish named after the movie because of her, but that just made people think that it gave you the runs.”

“I just wish something noteworthy would happen to her so we can finally hear a new story for God’s sake.”

Whataburger Assistant Managers Set Aside Differences in the Name of Food Service

Whataburger

DENTON, TX – Whataburger employees Mike Childers and Luke McGowan overlooked their recent conflicts to come together as coworkers yesterday. After some self-reflection, the two assistant managers realized that their common goal of food service was more important than their differences as people. The end result of their decision paid off for customers as another day of quality service was delivered.

Whataburger Employees Overcome Differences
Luke and Mike realized that both prefer Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings to Return of the King

Mike and Luke’s interactions had grown more abrasive over the past few weeks, coming to a head in an argument over French fry cooking temperatures. The fry argument was just one of many topics they’ve bickered over, as they had disagreements on everything from sports and movies to the best way to organize a closet. As tension spread to everyone behind the counter during the most recent spat, it was clear to Mike that they needed to clear the air or service would begin to suffer.

“I let myself cool off for a minute, then I went up to Luke, and in a calm tone of voice told him, ‘Look at us, man. We’ve lost sight of why were here. Food service.”

They agreed to meet halfway in the middle on the temperature of the oil. Then they made the deal official with a handshake and split a chocolate brownie pie.

While some fellow coworkers were surprised at how the incident worked out, others saw it coming.

“Mike and Luke are pros. When the game is on the line, you can count on them to come through,” said veteran employee Olivia Beck. “And that’s what they did; they hit a game-winning double with two outs in the ninth and half a dozen people in line at register 2.”

“No two assistant managers are the same,” said Luke of the incident. “I’ve got my opinions, and he’s got his. We can work it out though because at the end of the day, we both just want what’s best for the customer, and we both like brownies shaped like pies.”

Leppert and Moncrief to Reluctantly Return Mayoral Monkey Butlers

Monkey Butler

DALLAS, TX – After initial resistance, Dallas mayor Tom Leppert and Fort Worth mayor Mike Moncrief have announced that they will relinquish their city-issued monkey butlers. As is usually done, the mayors of both cities are required to give their monkey butlers back at the end of their terms.

Dallas Mayor Leppert with his Monkey Butler
Leppert found Bananasworth to be a steady force in the chaotic world of politics

“I had conjured a plan to try and keep him by passing him off as my hairy nephew, maybe teach him to skateboard or something,” said Moncrief of his monkey butler, Chimpington.

The monkey butlers are a lesser known city-issued perk of the mayor’s office. The monkeys are well trained in household servant duties such as drawing a bath, ironing shirts, and serving dinner guests.

“I have to admit, I’ve grown accustomed to waking up to my slippers and newspaper brought to me by a chimp every morning. I won’t miss the hairs in my coffee though. Oh, and the feces,” said Moncrief.

Leppert is said to have checked on the monkey butler status of U.S. Senators before resigning as mayor and announcing his candidacy for Senate.

“Let’s just say Senators are upgraded from monkeys a bit. Go rent ‘Every Which Way But Loose’ if you need more of a clue,” said Leppert. “It’s the chauffeur – the orangutan chauffeur.”

While federal and local governments have been slashing spending recently, city officials do not have cutting the monkey butler program on the agenda. Said one council member, “A pothole here or there isn’t really a big deal, but if we aren’t willing to provide monkey butlers to our mayors, that’s just one step closer to being savages.”

In-N-Out Breaks Ground, Looks to Fill Metroplex Fast Food Burger Void

In-N-Out Burger Texas

DALLAS, TX – After countless years of waiting, North Texas will finally have a place to find fast food hamburgers. The popular California burger chain, In-N-Out Burger, is underway with constructing new restaurant locations in the metroplex set to open within months.

“Oh man, I am excited about this. I hope they have cheeseburgers. That would be so West Coast,” said Frisco resident Paul Harris.

In N' Out Burger in Dallas
In-N-Out Burger not sure if locals will know how to use the drive-thru window

The company is planning up to 8 locations to meet the hamburger shortage that has frustrated so many locals.

“I can’t tell you how often I’ve thought I’d like a burger, and fast, but just sat in my car for a good 10 minutes not knowing where to get one,” said Gina Sutton of Irving.

To ease locals into eating fast food hamburgers, In-N-Out plans to include items to make their menu “more Texas-y.” The #4 combo, for example, will feature a can of baked beans and a whole possum.

“Our marketing department thinks its a good idea, but I’m not so sure,” said one In-N-Out executive. “I’ve got my fingers crossed that Texans will like hamburgers.”

Not all residents are excited about the opening though, and have voiced concerns about the company’s expansion plans.

“Not a chance, In-N-Out,” said a Burleson man. “I’m not eating any burger from California because I don’t want to turn gay.”

Update: Chicken Express Opens in the Middle of Line at New In-N-Out Burger

Photo credit: Marc Lee

“Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart” Files for Bankruptcy

COPPELL, TX – The local economy is set to take another hit as Coppell-based “Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart” has filed for bankruptcy.

Unlike other big box retailers such as Target and Wal-Mart, Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart’s main strategy revolved around not charging customers for the clothing, kitchen items, electronics, and other goods carried by the stores. Nor was there any other method of driving revenue.

Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Marta
Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart store employees bemoaned the lack of an employee discount program

“It’s disappointing timing, we had recently moved into the grocery market, too,” said CEO Trent McNeel. “I think that was our biggest problem, we really needed to carry more items to keep up with Wal-Mart.”

Despite their constant flow of customers, the stores constantly lost money. Many industry analysts felt the loses were due to seasonal buying patterns, an increasing cost of goods, and the board of directors’ complete lack of understanding of the basics of the monetary system.

“We had so much in common with other businesses. Stores, employees, products – I’m not sure what we were missing,” said board member Jen Shields. “Just last week, a whole Costco truck drove up, and a group of guys loaded up with a ton of our stuff. I’m sure at least that day must have been a good one on the balance sheet.”

The company is expected to conduct layoffs in all of its stores and get rid of assets shortly. In getting rid of their assets, Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart is taking the unusual move of not liquidating them but rather dropping everything off at Goodwill. The flagship store location will be given to McNeel’s nephew, who is planning to move in for the summer with friends, “take care of a few things, and maybe enroll in junior college if there’s time.”

Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart had begun the year as a hot commodity among investors, but stock prices hit rock bottom after a 3rd consecutive earnings report showed $0 in revenue and massive expenses.

“We hardly ever had any customer complaints, so I thought we were doing well,” said store manager Dave Powe. “If anyone complained, it was usually that we didn’t have free delivery on the large items. I offered my car, but it was just too small usually. Free delivery would have put us over the top I feel.”

Dallas Supercomputer Fails to Make Jeopardy Cut; Questions Its Existence

DALLAS, TX – While IBM’s “Watson” super computer is making headlines as the first non-human Jeopardy contestant, Dallas computer engineer Nathan Sherrill’s supercomputer fell short of the limelight. Sherrill and his team’s “Morose 9000” supercomputer failed to make the final cut to play on Jeopardy after being defeated by “Watson.” Subsequently, the Morose 9000 has found itself questioning its place in the universe.

Sullen Supercomputer Loses on Jeopardy
The Morose 9000 wonders why Jeopardy must have winners and losers

The Morose 9000 supercomputer was taken aback by the loss, and hadn’t considered life outside of being a Jeopardy contestant. Sherrill had programmed the computer with the explicit intention of competing in the game show. It has since fallen into a depression and boots up much slower than typically.

To compete in the Jeopardy challenge, the computers had to be armed with a vast array of knowledge. While the Watson supercomputer was loaded with archives from the New York Times, Encyclopedias and similar reference sources, the Morose 9000 programmers chose to go with more abstract materials and books such as the works of Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and other philosophers.

The computers are programmed with an ability to understand natural language, allowing them to process the complex nature of the Jeopardy format. Using the key phrases from the clue, the computers attempt to match them to possible answers.

When given the Jeopardy clue of “This St. Petersburg museum has the largest collection of Scythian jewelry,” for example, Watson was able to respond with the correct answer of “What is the Hermitage?” The Morose 9000 however gave the incorrect response of “What gives any one person the right to own property?”

As for what’s next for the Morose 9000, Sherrill was leaving it up to the computer. For now, Morose 9000 is undecided, stating “What I do next is irrelevant as the fate of death awaits us all.”

If Panther Sales Don’t Pick Up Soon, I May Have to Get a Real Job

Robbie the panther dealer
Robbie the panther dealer
Robbie

What is wrong with this country lately?  I can’t take this economy much longer. It’s like nobody has the spare cash to buy an illegal panther cub anymore. This is not the America I know.

We have got to get some more money flowing here. People need jobs, kids need better educations, and people need to buy more damn panthers already. It’s a crisis. I’m talking to you Obama.

Used to be, I could count on a steady income of selling illegal panther cubs, flu shots, and pics of surprised girls on toilets. Those pictures I take myself. Kick in a few stalls at the mall, and click – say cheese, poopin’ chick!

I know it’s the economy, too.  There’s no shortage of Texans that want to buy and raise a 200 pound vicious jungle cat at their home or apartment. That’s a pet you can count on people wanting to own. It’s really all about getting some more spending money in people’s pockets. Given the choice between a new XBox and a new panther, panther wins every time.

If things don’t pick up soon, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know that I could take the 9 to 5; I’ve gotten used to my lifestyle. I wake up when I want, wear what I want, sell a few panthers, and hit the clubs or whatever. If I’ve got to sit at a desk answering phones all day I’m gonna get that itch to sell a panther before long. I can’t remember the last time I wore an ironed shirt. I can’t even remember the last time I wore shirt that wasn’t stained with pot ash and panther urine.

So come on, America! Get those gears of industry moving! Keep me from waiting tables at Cotton Patch and buy a panther today.

Old Man Hicks Busted Haunting Ballpark in Arlington

Tom Hicks Ghost

ARLINGTON, TX – The mystery of ghosts spotted at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington has been unraveled. After many claims by building workers and fans of the stadium being haunted, investigation resulted in uncovering the so-called ghost, identified as none other than former Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks.

Tom Hicks haunts the Texas Rangers Ballpark
Hicks’ sheet ghost costume proved surprisingly effective

The discovery was made by a group of four teenagers and their dog. While the teens were themselves frightened by the ghosts, eventually they ended up foiling the rouse and unmasking Mr Hicks. As a reward, the teenagers asked only for snacks for their dog.

Reports of the ghost started after Hicks sold the Rangers and continued throughout the offseason.

“That explains a lot,” said parking lot attendant Melissa Cartwright of the news. “Even after he sold the team I’d see Mr. Hicks park and a few minutes later I’d see this Hicks-sized ghost walking past.”

Mr. Hicks’ motives apparently stemmed from a plan to convince new Rangers owner Chuck Greenberg that the stadium was haunted in hopes he would sell it back to him at a reduced price.

“I’m not through trying to get the team back,” said Hicks of the incident. “My next plan is to convince him that the whole place needs to be fumigated for fleas. As soon as he leaves, I’m locking him out.”

DFW Residents Looking Forward to Seeing Pictures of DFW During Super Bowl

Superbowl on TV

ARLINGTON, TX – Local residents expecting to tune in to the upcoming Super Bowl are looking forward to more than the game itself. Many residents are also excited about the possibility of seeing local landmarks being shown during the game.

DFW Residents Looking Forward to Seeing DFW During Super Bowl
Local family loves to see local places on TV

“It would be really cool to see the downtown Dallas skyline on the big screen,” said Mark Shores of Richardson. “I haven’t seen it since leaving work yesterday.”

Arlington residents are hoping to hear a mention of Six Flags or the Ballpark in Arlington.

“That would be awesome if Six Flags got a shout out nationwide. Or maybe a longhorn shot. the rest of the country needs to know we have longhorns,” said Lilly Crowe of Hurst.