With First Draft Pick, Cowboys Select Fattest Player Available

NEW YORK, NY – Sitting at the number 9 spot in the NFL draft, the Dallas Cowboys decided to select the fattest player available, USC offensive tackle Tyron Smith.

Dallas Cowboys Select Fat Player Smith in Draft
With his quickness and athletic skills, it’s easy to forget that Smith is a fat guy

While some teams opted for the strategies of drafting for positional need or selecting the best athlete available, the Cowboys decided the fattest player available was a sure bet.

“We thought the best player in the draft was already gone, and also the fastest, so we just went with fattest,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “We do have some fat guys already, but they weren’t really getting the job done.”

The Cowboys felt that, at age 20, Smith was not only fat now but would be fat for years to come. Garrett hopes to pair Smith with mountain-sized offensive guard Leonard Davis to encourage Smith to retain his bulk. Davis has already been working on a list of where Smith can get the best chicken fried steaks in the area.

Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett believes the team made the right selection in going with Smith.

“Our scouting department watched a lot of film on the guy, and he’s definitely fat,” said Garrett.

In later rounds of the draft, Jones confirmed that the team was still able to nab the player with the coolest older brother, in hopes that the team would get to hang out with him and maybe ride dirt bikes.

Perry Calls for Prayers for Rain, $27 Billion Acounting Error

Rick Perry Accounting Error

AUSTIN, TX – Amid extreme drought, Governor Rick Perry has called on Texans to offer prayers for rain, as well as a $27 billion accounting error. The rain is much needed for crops and combating wildfires, and the accounting error would erase the state’s budget shortfall.

Rick Perry Asks Texans to Pray for Accounting Error
State legislators find most of their ideas from Community Chest and Chance Monopoly cards

“We could really use some big event to fix this big deficit problem. So I’m asking for the people of Texas to pray for an accounting error to make the whole issue just go away,” said Perry. “Oh, and rain – that, too.”

State officials said whether the accounting error is the correction of a previous error, or if a new error is made to artificially erase the shortfall is irrelevant.

“However it works out is fine. Like the ‘bank error in your favor’ from Monopoly. But instead of $200 it’s $27 billion,” said Perry.

“Maybe one of the number crunchers realizes he put a decimal in the wrong spot. ‘Did I say $27 billion? I meant $2.70′ sort of thing. I’ll cover $2.70 myself.”

This is the first time Perry has called on Texans to pray since last year, when he called for prayers for awesome tickets to the Hall and Oates’ show in Austin.

Announcing My Candidacy for Mayor of Dallas. Or Fort Worth.

Rod Beavers for Mayor
Rod Beavers

Hey, North Texas. I would like to formally apply for your open positions of mayor. You’ve got one in Dallas and one in Fort Worth, and I’d take either. I’m not picky.

Let me tell you about myself. I’ve worked as a package loader for delivery trucks, and those skills don’t erode. In a pinch, I can help load city trucks or operate barcode scanners.

I waited tables until a few months ago, so I know a little something about serving the people. I put my junk in one too many drinks, so I lost that job, but I gained a lot of experience.

And I made a few bucks appearing in a couple of movies, but you know, not stuff I can put on the formal résumé.

What else? Whiskey? Sure, I drink it. And ya, you’ll notice it because I reek of it.

Anyway, I’ve had lots of free time in growing my Rush vinyl collection while I sleep on my dad’s couch. That’s where you come in.

Dallas (or Fort Worth), you need a mayor, and I need a job. So let’s work this out. If I’m elected, here’s what you will get from Mayor Rod –

Rod’s Top 4 No Problem List

  1. Show up most mornings at 9ish
  2. Grow a beard
  3. Make hard decisions
  4. Help find lost items around the office

I’ve got to set boundaries though, so let’s agree on what I’m not doing while I’m mayor –

Rod’s Bottom 4 No Way List

  1. Weekends. That’s my time. Also, I have a thing I can’t get out of on Tuesdays
  2. Play on some stupid city softball or kickball team
  3. Arrest Erykah Badu – I don’t care if she strips or stabs a guy, she’s OK with me
  4. Lead the city into a war – I’m against wars

OK, I think that covers it. I’m really looking forward to helping people out as mayor, like the homeless, and helping myself by finding a new girlfriend. That should be MUCH easier when I say “oh, I’m the mayor” instead of “can I borrow  a few bucks for the bus?”

So before I go, I gotta admit, I have an alternate motive for this. I need to show evidence that I’m looking for work to collect my unemployment checks, so I’m going to need everyone to vouch for me. If you get a call for a reference, just tell them I’ve been working hard for the job.

Vote for me, May 14th for mayor of Dallas. Or Fort Worth, whichever. And vouch for me if you get a phone call.

Stars Fire Coach for Refusing to Play Magical Hockey Unicorn

Hockey Unicorn

DALLAS, TX – With the Dallas Stars failing to make the NHL playoffs for the third straight year, the fallout has already cost coach Marc Crawford his job. Stars General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk found the subpar season to be unacceptable and in particular faulted his refusal to play their Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn.

Dallas Stars Magical Hockey Unicorn
Legend has it that unicorn foals practice shooting ceaselessly to appease their overbearing parents

“We felt that the players needed a new voice, that this coach wasn’t getting the maximum effort out of the team, and that he should have put the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn on the ice more to help us win games,” said Nieuwendyk.

The Stars signed the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn as a free agent after he floated down from a rainbow in Victory Park by the American Airlines Center last fall. His impressive tryout for the team led many to believe he would lead the Stars to the playoffs, but coach Crawford refused to play him anytime other than the final period of blowout games.

“He was slow to learn our plays which caused a lot of confusion. He rarely passed and would take wild shots from 80 feet. He has to be the most talented hockey playing equine I’ve ever seen, but I felt he was too raw,” said Crawford.

Certain Stars players, too, were unsure of the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn’s ability to help the team. Many felt he was a clubhouse distraction, focused on his own glory and not the team.

“I thought he was a new mascot for the first month,” said Stars forward Steve Ott. “Also, he craps on the locker room floor, which is not cool. I hope the new coach can do something about that.”

The Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn is only the second magical animal currently in the NHL. The other is Maurice Richard Sea Lion of the Montreal Canadiens, a sea lion which is the reincarnation of hockey legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard.

Southwest Reminds Panicked Customers that Bags Flew Free

Southwest Plane

DALLAS, TX – The recent midair near-disaster for a Southwest Airlines plane has the company closely inspecting planes and scrambling to deal with concerned customers. While the passengers aboard flight 812 were left with the disturbing experience of flying with a hole torn in the top of the roof, Southwest was able to look at the positive and noted that all of their bags flew free.

Southwest reminds passengers that bags flew free
Aircraft mechanics forgot to check off the “Is airplane about to fall apart?” item

After the flight, Southwest customer representative Joel Bannister reminded the passengers, “Number one, you didn’t die. And number two, your bags flew free.”

“People are rather focused on the one negative of that flight,” said Bannister. “Looking at the big picture though, the plane departed on time, we had no complaints about the in-flight drink service, and, of course, bags flew free.”

“Oh, and I almost forgot. All of those miles counted towards everyone’s Rapid Rewards miles – our red tape-free frequent flyer program.”

While many passengers on the flight found it to be a nightmarish few minutes, others agreed that not all was negative.

“As I was sitting there in my own feces, after the initial fear subsided, I admit to thinking how annoyed I would have been if I’d paid a baggage fee,” said one passenger. “Plus, you get that same fear of dying on a Greyhound, and that would have been so much slower than flying.”

Fort Worth-Based Grady O’Shack’s Earnings Down 20%

Not Radio Shack

FORT WORTH, TX – Local resident Grady O’Shack announced disappointing first quarter earnings results earlier today. After a solid holiday season, Mr. O’Shack, who deals an assortment of electronics out of his garage, saw revenue unexpectedly drop 20%.

Grady O'Shack, Fort Worth Based Electronics Dealer
A typical working day for Scottish-born Grady O’Shack

Many local analysts were disappointed to learn of the downturn, wondering what the impact on the North Texas economy would be.

“A lot of people depend on Grady O’Shack’s profitability,” said one neighbor. “His wife, his kids…his lawn service…whoever he buys his weird Scottish shit from.”

It’s not known how Mr. O’Shack will cope with the downturn, though he has survived them many times over the years.

“It’s going to be a rough patch,” said Mr. O’Shack. “The wife and I will probably stop going out for dinner so much. And our vacation plans are definitely in jeopardy.”

Others wonder how Mr. O’Shack even stays in business, with his seemingly random assortment of electronics he tinkers with and sells from home.

“Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I feel like people are always talking behind my back,” said Mr. O’Shack. “I hear things like ‘Grady O’Shack sells crap,’ or ‘Grady O’Shack sucks.’ So I tell them, ‘You don’t even know me! You’ve never even been in my garage, so don’t tell me I suck, lad.”

Dallas Home to Yet Another Non-Spinning Restaurant

Spinning and Not

DALLAS, TX – A new eatery has opened in the Bishop Arts area of Dallas, offering a fare of Tex-Mex and a full bar. While the food and service at Dave’s Tacos has been well-received, the atmosphere leaves something to be desired as the restaurant itself does not revolve while you eat.

A non-spinning Dallas restaurant
A booth sits empty at Dave’s Tacos, which probably would be full if the place was spinning around

Dave’s joins the growing host of Dallas’ stationary dining options. While the non-spinning options continue to grow for residents, Reunion Tower’s Five Sixty continues its stranglehold on the rotating restaurant market.

“My boyfriend and I sat down at our table and it felt like the restaurant was broken – like we needed to stick a quarter in it to get it moving,” said Five Sixty frequenter Louisa Levin. “I couldn’t even finish my flautas.”

When asked why he chose to enter the already crowded non-spinning restaurant field, the owner of the new Dave’s Tacos admitted disappointment with its shortcomings.

“I looked into rotating building plans, but the costs were just too high,” said Dave Montero. “We even thought about something like a gyroscope – I think the centrifugal force would keep the food on your plate. Now that would be fine dining. Anyway, come to Dave’s Tacos I guess.”

Many other locals were dismayed to learn that the new establishment would be motionless.

“Something needs to be done about this,” said one Dallas resident. “We’re a mere 1 spinning restaurant ahead of Fort Worth.”

Superman Underwhelmed by Six Flags’ Superman Ride

Superman on His Ride

ARLINGTON, TX – Beloved flying superhero Superman finally experienced the ride bearing his name at Six Flags in Arlington this weekend. However, while other riders were thrilled by the speeding coaster, Superman made no attempt to hide his disappointment.

Superman Disappointed by Superman Ride
Superman doesn’t bother to hide his total boredom with the ride

“Is that what people think it’s like to be Superman? Sitting on a bench that goes up and down? It’s a glamorized elevator,” said the Man of Steel.

Superman spent several hours at Six Flags, winning prizes at the carnival games and flying to the front of long lines, but he was expecting the highlight of the day was expected to be the “Superman” ride.

“Being me is way more intense; I can do tons of stuff. You want to see what kinds of things Superman can do, you should have a flesh-melting lasers ride, cause I can do that.”

“Some wusses even screamed,” complained Superman, who said he would have been better off if he had stayed at home listening to the next lesson in his learn Spanish tutorial.

“Now the Batman ride, that’s a name that fits better. You don’t see Batman picking up giant boulders or flying at the speed of sound do you?”

Superman finished off his day in Arlington by loudly trying out a few of the electric guitars at Guitar Center and getting dinner over at Highlands. Overall, he felt it was a worthwhile visit.

“Oh, and I totally sat next to some hottie on the log ride. So that was cool.”

Tournament Teams Collude to Have Mindy’s Bracket Win Office Pool

NCAA Tournament Bracket

HOUSTON, TX – All players and coaches in this year’s NCAA “March Madness” basketball tournament have agreed to a predetermined outcome for every game in order to match the results to the selections made by local resident Mindy Henderson. Henderson, an administrator at a medical supply firm, filled out her bracket last week to compete in an annual office pool.

College Basketball Teams Collude for Mindy
Players from several teams get a laugh out of how Pete will react to finding Mindy in 1st place after the first week

The teams did this as a way to earn Mindy a little more respect around the office, and also to stick it to her coworker, office jerk Pete Downing. Mindy, who has never won the office pool, always has to hear from two-time winner Pete about how well is doing.

“I’m tired of Pete’s whole shtick – no one is impressed with you, dude,” said Jordan Hamilton, forward from Texas.  “Besides, Mindy could use that pot of money – it’s like $80 at least.”

While Mindy’s entry into the pool took her only a few minutes of randomly selecting teams, those picks were followed to a tee for the first two rounds by the players, with more rounds upcoming. While everyone was happy to help Mindy, not all of the players were satisfied with her selections.

“I can’t believe that Mindy had us losing in the first round,” said Mark Lyons of Xavier. “I just wish I could ask her why.”

Other players whose teams didn’t advance to the next round kept focused on the goal.

“I really wanted to win our game,” said Texas A & M guard B.J. Holmes. “But we all win when Mindy wins.”

Dallas and Fort Worth Drop Streetcar Plans in Favor of Badass Urban Ziplines

Urban Skyscraper Ziplines

DALLAS, TX – The city leaders of Dallas and Fort Worth have switched directions in their pursuit of relieving traffic congestion in the metroplex. After proposals for modern streetcars and commuter rail lines had been considered, in the end both cities switched to investing in skyscraper zipline transportation.

Dallas & Fort Worth Urban Ziplines
Downtown Dallas is becoming the Costa Rica of the North, minus the monkeys but with more douchebags

The new ziplines cross between a number of downtown buildings in Dallas and Fort Worth, accommodating commuters who need to cross from the top story on one building to a lower story on a neighboring building. The ziplines can accommodate literally dozens of people over the course of a day, leading to a statistically insignificant decline in traffic.

“These ziplines are perfect for commuters. Once you’ve climbed to the launch point, put on the harness, and hooked up to the line, your hands are free for reading the paper or drinking your morning coffee for about a minute,” said one Fort Worth city councilmember.

“All the big cities are going this direction; everything will be zip lines. Portland doesn’t even have streets anymore, just ziplines.”

Zipptech, the provider of the zipline technology in use, provided the cities with transportation studies on how much traffic reduction could be expected.

“I told them one person zips at a time, no exceptions. I don’t know about traffic reduction, I just know I got an order for a shitload of ziplines,” said Zipptech’s owner Micah Brenner.

Some public watch groups, however, feel the ziplines leave too many citizens out.

“What about people that are scared of heights? These ziplines don’t address the needs of our citizens,” said concerned citizen Sara Lovett.

When confronted with the issue, a Dallas city official said, “That’s fair. I’m a little scared to use them myself. They’re not exactly the safest things in the world.”

Urban Zipline Tshirts