If Panther Sales Don’t Pick Up Soon, I May Have to Get a Real Job

Robbie the panther dealer

What is wrong with this country lately?  I can’t take this economy much longer. It’s like nobody has the spare cash to buy an illegal panther cub anymore. This is not the America I know.

We have got to get some more money flowing here. People need jobs, kids need better educations, and people need to buy more damn panthers already. It’s a crisis. I’m talking to you Obama.

Used to be, I could count on a steady income of selling illegal panther cubs, flu shots, and pics of surprised girls on toilets. Those pictures I take myself. Kick in a few stalls at the mall, and click – say cheese, poopin’ chick!

I know it’s the economy, too.  There’s no shortage of Texans that want to buy and raise a 200 pound vicious jungle cat at their home or apartment. That’s a pet you can count on people wanting to own. It’s really all about getting some more spending money in people’s pockets. Given the choice between a new XBox and a new panther, panther wins every time.

If things don’t pick up soon, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know that I could take the 9 to 5; I’ve gotten used to my lifestyle. I wake up when I want, wear what I want, sell a few panthers, and hit the clubs or whatever. If I’ve got to sit at a desk answering phones all day I’m gonna get that itch to sell a panther before long. I can’t remember the last time I wore an ironed shirt. I can’t even remember the last time I wore shirt that wasn’t stained with pot ash and panther urine.

So come on, America! Get those gears of industry moving! Keep me from waiting tables at Cotton Patch and buy a panther today.

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