I Am Going to Shake the Shit Out of This Toy


Hey pal, I’ve got news for you.  This new chew toy you dropped so carelessly? It’s dead.  You may have wanted it for yourself, but it’s on the floor now, and that’s my territory. I am totally going to shake the shit out of it.

You think it’s so great? You think you made a wise investment on a nice, durable item? That stupid toy isn’t going to last 97 minutes.  As soon as you turn around, I’m putting it in my mouth and showing it who’s boss.

I’m not even kidding, I’ve got my head shaking in peak form.  My neck can generate 58,000 pounds of torque when I get going. I could do that to your arm if it came down to it.

It’s not going to look like a cute giraffe anymore when I’m done with it.  It’ll be just unrecognizable giraffe parts all over the linoleum. Hey, if you wanted to keep it as a cute even-toed ungulate you need to be more careful with your crap.

I don’t have opposable thumbs, you know, so you could just stick it in a drawer and be done with it.  And that’s what you’ll have to do, because whatever you buy I can break.  Unless it’s some super-strong mix of titanium and platinum alloys, I can destroy anything with a good shaking.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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