Dallas Supercomputer Fails to Make Jeopardy Cut; Questions Its Existence

DALLAS, TX – While IBM’s “Watson” super computer is making headlines as the first non-human Jeopardy contestant, Dallas computer engineer Nathan Sherrill’s supercomputer fell short of the limelight. Sherrill and his team’s “Morose 9000” supercomputer failed to make the final cut to play on Jeopardy after being defeated by “Watson.” Subsequently, the Morose 9000 has found itself questioning its place in the universe.

Sullen Supercomputer Loses on Jeopardy
The Morose 9000 wonders why Jeopardy must have winners and losers

The Morose 9000 supercomputer was taken aback by the loss, and hadn’t considered life outside of being a Jeopardy contestant. Sherrill had programmed the computer with the explicit intention of competing in the game show. It has since fallen into a depression and boots up much slower than typically.

To compete in the Jeopardy challenge, the computers had to be armed with a vast array of knowledge. While the Watson supercomputer was loaded with archives from the New York Times, Encyclopedias and similar reference sources, the Morose 9000 programmers chose to go with more abstract materials and books such as the works of Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and other philosophers.

The computers are programmed with an ability to understand natural language, allowing them to process the complex nature of the Jeopardy format. Using the key phrases from the clue, the computers attempt to match them to possible answers.

When given the Jeopardy clue of “This St. Petersburg museum has the largest collection of Scythian jewelry,” for example, Watson was able to respond with the correct answer of “What is the Hermitage?” The Morose 9000 however gave the incorrect response of “What gives any one person the right to own property?”

As for what’s next for the Morose 9000, Sherrill was leaving it up to the computer. For now, Morose 9000 is undecided, stating “What I do next is irrelevant as the fate of death awaits us all.”

Old Man Hicks Busted Haunting Ballpark in Arlington

Tom Hicks Ghost

ARLINGTON, TX – The mystery of ghosts spotted at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington has been unraveled. After many claims by building workers and fans of the stadium being haunted, investigation resulted in uncovering the so-called ghost, identified as none other than former Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks.

Tom Hicks haunts the Texas Rangers Ballpark
Hicks’ sheet ghost costume proved surprisingly effective

The discovery was made by a group of four teenagers and their dog. While the teens were themselves frightened by the ghosts, eventually they ended up foiling the rouse and unmasking Mr Hicks. As a reward, the teenagers asked only for snacks for their dog.

Reports of the ghost started after Hicks sold the Rangers and continued throughout the offseason.

“That explains a lot,” said parking lot attendant Melissa Cartwright of the news. “Even after he sold the team I’d see Mr. Hicks park and a few minutes later I’d see this Hicks-sized ghost walking past.”

Mr. Hicks’ motives apparently stemmed from a plan to convince new Rangers owner Chuck Greenberg that the stadium was haunted in hopes he would sell it back to him at a reduced price.

“I’m not through trying to get the team back,” said Hicks of the incident. “My next plan is to convince him that the whole place needs to be fumigated for fleas. As soon as he leaves, I’m locking him out.”

DFW Residents Looking Forward to Seeing Pictures of DFW During Super Bowl

Superbowl on TV

ARLINGTON, TX – Local residents expecting to tune in to the upcoming Super Bowl are looking forward to more than the game itself. Many residents are also excited about the possibility of seeing local landmarks being shown during the game.

DFW Residents Looking Forward to Seeing DFW During Super Bowl
Local family loves to see local places on TV

“It would be really cool to see the downtown Dallas skyline on the big screen,” said Mark Shores of Richardson. “I haven’t seen it since leaving work yesterday.”

Arlington residents are hoping to hear a mention of Six Flags or the Ballpark in Arlington.

“That would be awesome if Six Flags got a shout out nationwide. Or maybe a longhorn shot. the rest of the country needs to know we have longhorns,” said Lilly Crowe of Hurst.

Troy Aikman “Dislikes” DFWian Story

Troy Aikman Typing

DALLAS, TX – NFL broadcaster and hall of fame quarterback Troy Aikman is no fan of DFWian’s most recent story. Upon seeing the story “Troy Aikman Pulls Out of Marriage Due to Torn ACL”, he immediately updated his Facebook status to tell friends he disliked the story. When he could not find a “Dislike” button, he made sure to include a frowny face emoticon to reflect his displeasure.

Troy Aikman dislikes DFWian story
Aikman composing a negative reaction on Twitter

Before the story, Aikman had been a huge fan of the site. “If there’s one thing I like, it’s satirical news jokes,” said Aikman. “In fact, I had just been telling fellow football legends Jimmy Johnson and Michael Irvin how much I enjoy the site.

“But this new joke is just not funny.”

DFWian editors do not plan to retract the story, but are hopeful that Aikman will return to the site again.

Troy Aikman Pulls Out of Marriage Due to Torn ACL

Troy Aikman Injured

DALLAS, TX – After a solid start, Troy Aikman has suddenly pulled out of his marriage to wife Rhonda Aikman due to a recent injury suffered by the Dallas Cowboys legend. Early signs point to a torn anterior cruciate ligament for Aikman, severe injury which will require a long rehabilitation process.

Troy Aikman Divorce Due to Injury
#8 lasts 10 years

The injury occurred during a dinner out at an Italian restaurant with friends. The evening had been going well by all reports, with lively conversation and excellent food. Aikman had been in top form, charming and entertaining the guests seemingly with ease. During the retelling an anecdote from his early playing days, Aikman suddenly pulled up in pain, wincing and grabbing his leg. As Aikman fell to the floor, Rhonda called the trainers over immediately.

Fellow Cowboys legend Emmitt Smith, who was among the dinner guests, said things were not the same after the injury. “All the wind went out of our sails after Troy went down. We lost our momentum.”

After the injury, Aikman tried making small talk about the cold weather, but it was obvious that he couldn’t go on. With Aikman out, backup quarterback Babe Lafenberg may be looked to as a replacement.

Using Arcane Law, Hutchison Bequeaths Senate Seat to Her Cats

Hutchison and Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC – Texas is losing a long-tenured senator, but gaining 12 new ones. After 18 years in Congress, Kay Bailey Hutchison announced she will not seek reelection and is stepping down.

Kay Bailey Hutchison at Cat Announcement
Retirement announcement

Additionally, Senator Hutchison announced that she has given the powerful Lone Star state senate seat in Congress to her lot of 12 house cats.

“I just wanted to make sure my kids were taken care of,” said Senator Hutchison of the decision. “It’s really the least I could do for them.”

The cats are the first non-human senators since 1931 when New York mistakenly elected a carrier pigeon. The pigeon was delivering a form declaring the candidacy for senate of a local businessman, but technically declared its own candidacy. The pigeon however served only two terms in Congress before its untimely death.

Senators Princess, Mr. Fluffy, America, Lazy Eye, Brown Cat, Freedom, Mittens, Stella, Stripes, Bella, Twilight, and Eclipse are also the first group acting for a single senate seat. While the final details are yet to be worked out, it is expected that votes will be cast by a chosen representative among the cats, which must then write down its vote and cast it in the Senate chamber as usual.

Asked if she had any regrets from her time in office, Senator Hutchison said, “I only wish I could give the seat to more cats.”

Kay Bailey Hutchison with her many cats
The political elite attend Mr. Fluffy’s birthday

After the announcement was made, Senator Hutchison dressed in her bath robe and went back to her home where spent the afternoon using up a pack of lint rollers on the living room couch.

Local Billionaire Fulfills Pledge to Give Away Most of Cowboys Wins

DALLAS, TX – In the spirit of charitable giving, local billionaire Jerry Jones has followed through on a pledge to give away most of the Dallas Cowboys wins. By winning only 6 games in a 16 game season, Jones was able to provide many less fortunate teams with a little extra to be thankful for this year.

Jerry Jones Gives Away Wins
Jerry Jones is filled with the joy of giving after watching a ball bounce off Roy Williams’ hands

Jones gave early and often this season as a sign that his words were not an empty promise. He even went so far as to give to the Houston Texans, who have so few wins most years they are scarcely aware of the existence of the NFL postseason.

“In going through this turbulent season, I found new meaning in giving,” says Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “The looks on the opposing teams’ faces really was all the thanks I needed.”

Jones joins billionaires such as Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates in their philanthropic giving pledges. There’s no word if Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban or Texas Rangers owner Chuck Greenberg intend to follow Jones’ lead, but at this point they do not appear likely to do so.

While the headline-grabbing donations of most billionaires have been widely praised, Jones’ philanthropy was not universally appreciated by metroplex residents. Some fans of the team in fact were completely unmoved.

“The Cowboys sucked this year,” said Terry Kim of Mesquite. “What a bunch of overpaid crapheads.”

Mavs Game Delayed As Broom Used to Retrieve Stuck Ball

DALLAS, TX – Dallas Mavericks’ fans were left with little to cheer for when their most recent game included a 20 minute mid-game delay. The delay occurred when the basketball was lodged between the goal and the backboard. After some tense moments of waiting, a broom was found which players were able to use to poke the ball free.

Dallas Mavericks Retrieve Stuck Basketball
Broom helps resolve nearly impossible situation

“My first thought was, ‘oh no, what are we going to do?” said Mavericks star player Dirk Nowitzki.

“But then I remembered we had that broom.  It was like, duh.”

Once the decision had been made to use a broom, the American Airlines Center janitor, Carl Lindy was sent to track one down. After sorting through the cleaning supply closet, Lindy came through for the fans with a sturdy broom in a few minutes. Some thought has been given to keeping the broom at the foul line to ensure it can be found quicker in the event it is needed again.

While it is a rare happening, it has occurred before where a ball becomes wedged against the backboard after a shot and stuck. In a 1949 contest between the Minneapolis Lakers and the Syracuse Nationals, a game was delayed for 12 days while a local engineer built a gasoline-powered grappling hook which could be launched at the ball to knock it down.

“The delay was bad timing for us.  We really had momentum after a couple of high-flying dunks from our big guys. Nothing you can do about a situation like that though,” commented Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

Rest of Nation Pretty Sure UT Won the Rose Bowl

PASADENA, CA – While the TCU football team made school history by winning the Rose Bowl, fans across the nation credited the victory to the University of Texas. Unaware of TCU’s recent football success, fans simply assumed that the Texas team playing Wisconsin was perennial football powerhouse UT.

TCU Confusion
The unmistakable Texas Longhorn mascot

There were many clues missed by fans as to the identity of Wisconsin’s opponent. The different school names, the different mascots, and different team colors somehow went unnoticed. Even up close, many remained confused, such as a fan who led his son to meet the TCU mascot, insisting that he “shake hands with the reptilian purple steer.”

“Colt McCoy looked pretty good out there today,” said Wisconsin fan Sharon Johnson, who felt that UT should have been playing for the national title. “It looked like they made a big typo in the end zone though. I can’t believe no one caught that.”

Conversly, a number of fans nationwide also were unaware that Wisconsin played in the game as well. Many were fairly certain that Ohio State was the loser of the contest.

“Yet another classic Rose Bowl. I really enjoyed watching Texas beat Ohio State this year.” said one LA resident in attendance. “I didn’t understand all the badger and frog references, but whatever.”

Perry Tasks Legislature with Making List of Awesome Animals to Shoot

Rick Perry Signing Bill

AUSTIN, TX – The current legislative session in Austin yesterday added a new priority on the agenda. From a directive handed down from Governor Rick Perry’s office, Texas state representatives will immediately begin working on a compiling a list of awesome animals to shoot.

Rick Perry Making Animal List
Governor Perry Fights Through Hand Cramps to Write Yet Another Animal

Governor Perry has already assembled an initial working list of animals which he has sent to the legislature. They are expected to at least double the number of animals on the list.

“I’ve already got a good list started, but it was taking a long time and I was running out of ideas. I thought, I’ve got all these smart guys just down the block ready to help, that would really move things along,” said Perry.

Perry has already been known as a marksman from a coyote he recently shot while jogging. The incident spurred him on to think of other animals that could appear on his jogging trail.

“At first I had a list of just regular animals, and then I started adding extinct animals. Then I thought of Paul Bunyon’s giant Ox, Blue, and that opened a door to a whole new set of creatures.”

Perry has instructed the legislature to work on four main classifications of animals – living, extinct, mythical, and made up. Representatives from both political parties have already begun dividing up the work and thinking of ideas. Some representatives have expressed frustration with the assignment.

Griffin
Perry is conflicted about shooting griffins due to their eagle front-halves

“He already has a wolverine.  That was the best idea I had, too. I don’t think my economics degree really qualifies me for this,” said Dallas Republican Dan Branch.

Perry has released a few of the animals on his preliminary list:

  • Wild Boar
  • Alien from Alien
  • Cerberus, the three headed hound
  • Enormous Fox (the size of a horse)
  • Great White Shark
  • Velociraptor
  • Enraged Mutant Penguin
  • Werewolf (only on a full moon)

Perry has not decided on what to do with the animal list once it has been completed.

“I guess I’ll rank them in order.  It’s kind of like the list of favorite bands I made a while back, I guess I’ll just put it in my filing cabinet when it’s done.”