Dallas and Fort Worth Drop Streetcar Plans in Favor of Badass Urban Ziplines

DALLAS, TX – The city leaders of Dallas and Fort Worth have switched directions in their pursuit of relieving traffic congestion in the metroplex. After proposals for modern streetcars and commuter rail lines had been considered, in the end both cities switched to investing in skyscraper zipline transportation.

Dallas & Fort Worth Urban Ziplines
Downtown Dallas is becoming the Costa Rica of the North, minus the monkeys but with more douchebags

The new ziplines cross between a number of downtown buildings in Dallas and Fort Worth, accommodating commuters who need to cross from the top story on one building to a lower story on a neighboring building. The ziplines can accommodate literally dozens of people over the course of a day, leading to a statistically insignificant decline in traffic.

“These ziplines are perfect for commuters. Once you’ve climbed to the launch point, put on the harness, and hooked up to the line, your hands are free for reading the paper or drinking your morning coffee for about a minute,” said one Fort Worth city councilmember.

“All the big cities are going this direction; everything will be zip lines. Portland doesn’t even have streets anymore, just ziplines.”

Zipptech, the provider of the zipline technology in use, provided the cities with transportation studies on how much traffic reduction could be expected.

“I told them one person zips at a time, no exceptions. I don’t know about traffic reduction, I just know I got an order for a shitload of ziplines,” said Zipptech’s owner Micah Brenner.

Some public watch groups, however, feel the ziplines leave too many citizens out.

“What about people that are scared of heights? These ziplines don’t address the needs of our citizens,” said concerned citizen Sara Lovett.

When confronted with the issue, a Dallas city official said, “That’s fair. I’m a little scared to use them myself. They’re not exactly the safest things in the world.”

Urban Zipline Tshirts

4 Replies to “Dallas and Fort Worth Drop Streetcar Plans in Favor of Badass Urban Ziplines”

  1. I’ve heard residents in Brooklyn have started using bloggers to commute to work. Entertainment news given anonymously with no supporting facts gets you a quarter mile of prime piggy-back transport! Leaked cell phone pictures can you get you to midtown Manhattan in just under 15 minutes.

  2. This is great news! I live in downtown Fort Worth and I have often dreamed of zipping down to Starbucks or Jamba Juice from my apartent for a quick refreshment. It sure beats driving my hummer three blocks and finding a parking place.

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