WASHINGTON, D.C. – In reaction to attempts by the Texas Legislature to prevent invasive pat-downs of air travelers, the TSA defiantly announced plans to further expand the controversial security measures.
Official Jack Getty explained the reasoning behind the new efforts on behalf of the TSA. ”We are taking groping to the next level. If Texans are so offended by what they are dealing with now, this is just the tip, so to speak, of the groping iceberg.”
Additional TSA agents will be brought on to nonchalantly lean against the scanners and “leer creepily” at each person passing through security. The dress code for these additional agents will depart from the standard blue button-up uniforms to instead require less formal, pre-stained white undershirts.
The new regulations call for groping of all passengers, even those exiting from flights. The official TSA manual covering the new groping rules states that a pat-down from security personnel is not complete until they get “handsy.”