Ron Washington Admits to Being High on Baseball Fever

ARLINGTON, TX – More than a year after the news emerged that he had used cocaine during the baseball season came another revelation from Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington.

Ron Washington High on Baseball Fever
Ron Washington, high on baseball fever, can’t shake the feeling that the outfielders are really only 6 inches tall

Washington admitted to being high on baseball fever for the last several months, which has been slowly building from the time the Rangers reached the World Series last season. Only recently did he inform the team.

“I went into Nolan Ryan’s office and told him, man to man, I’ve got a problem. I’m high on baseball fever,” said Washington.

According to players, the symptoms of baseball fever are varied. Players afflicted are known to develop a wild look in their eyes, eat ballpark nachos exclusively, spend extra hours at batting practice, and suffer from “pretty intense diarrhea.” The diarrhea though may be a byproduct of the nacho diet.

The Rangers intend to send Washington for treatment and hope to have him cured shortly. The prescribed therapy for Washington is to cut down on spicy foods and watch dozens  of tapes of 1980’s Rangers baseball games.

In addition to cocaine usage and baseball fever, Washington also admitted that at different points of time in his past he has been high on basketball fever, bowling fever, disco fever, allergy medication, and butane.

Rangers Once Again Fail To Win World Series

ARLINGTON, TX – The Texas Rangers baseball team continued once again to fail in achieving their goals. Despite aiming to win the World Series as they have every year, the Rangers failed for the 39th consecutive season.

For months on end, the Rangers club employed dozens of professional baseball players, coaches, trainers and other staff intended to finally win a World Series title.  And yet, all of the time, money, and effort again all amounted to nothing.

Texas Ranger's Michael Young
Michael Young somehow manages to get out of bed and drag himself into work

“Think of all the fireworks we wasted this year.  What was the point?”  said stadium usher Mary Card, who spent night after night assisting fans to their seats and watching the team’s ultimately fruitless effort.  Despite the overwhelming evidence that this season would be another failure, numerous fans in fact attended the games during the season to witness the Rangers fall short as usual.

The players themselves found solace from the presence of fans at the games. “It’s really kind of them to continue to encourage us. If we were running an airline and our first 39 flights ended in crash landings, well I don’t think we’d have a lot of passengers,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with this bunch of losers,” Rangers team manager Ron Washington lamented after the season ended. “I mean how many times can we realistically keep trying the same thing over and over. Eventually it’s time to just say we gave it a go for 40 years but it wasn’t meant to be. I think maybe it’s time.”