Rest of Nation Pretty Sure UT Won the Rose Bowl

PASADENA, CA – While the TCU football team made school history by winning the Rose Bowl, fans across the nation credited the victory to the University of Texas. Unaware of TCU’s recent football success, fans simply assumed that the Texas team playing Wisconsin was perennial football powerhouse UT.

TCU Confusion
The unmistakable Texas Longhorn mascot

There were many clues missed by fans as to the identity of Wisconsin’s opponent. The different school names, the different mascots, and different team colors somehow went unnoticed. Even up close, many remained confused, such as a fan who led his son to meet the TCU mascot, insisting that he “shake hands with the reptilian purple steer.”

“Colt McCoy looked pretty good out there today,” said Wisconsin fan Sharon Johnson, who felt that UT should have been playing for the national title. “It looked like they made a big typo in the end zone though. I can’t believe no one caught that.”

Conversly, a number of fans nationwide also were unaware that Wisconsin played in the game as well. Many were fairly certain that Ohio State was the loser of the contest.

“Yet another classic Rose Bowl. I really enjoyed watching Texas beat Ohio State this year.” said one LA resident in attendance. “I didn’t understand all the badger and frog references, but whatever.”

Perry Tasks Legislature with Making List of Awesome Animals to Shoot

AUSTIN, TX – The current legislative session in Austin yesterday added a new priority on the agenda. From a directive handed down from Governor Rick Perry’s office, Texas state representatives will immediately begin working on a compiling a list of awesome animals to shoot.

Rick Perry Making Animal List
Governor Perry Fights Through Hand Cramps to Write Yet Another Animal

Governor Perry has already assembled an initial working list of animals which he has sent to the legislature. They are expected to at least double the number of animals on the list.

“I’ve already got a good list started, but it was taking a long time and I was running out of ideas. I thought, I’ve got all these smart guys just down the block ready to help, that would really move things along,” said Perry.

Perry has already been known as a marksman from a coyote he recently shot while jogging. The incident spurred him on to think of other animals that could appear on his jogging trail.

“At first I had a list of just regular animals, and then I started adding extinct animals. Then I thought of Paul Bunyon’s giant Ox, Blue, and that opened a door to a whole new set of creatures.”

Perry has instructed the legislature to work on four main classifications of animals – living, extinct, mythical, and made up. Representatives from both political parties have already begun dividing up the work and thinking of ideas. Some representatives have expressed frustration with the assignment.

Griffin
Perry is conflicted about shooting griffins due to their eagle front-halves

“He already has a wolverine.  That was the best idea I had, too. I don’t think my economics degree really qualifies me for this,” said Dallas Republican Dan Branch.

Perry has released a few of the animals on his preliminary list:

  • Wild Boar
  • Alien from Alien
  • Cerberus, the three headed hound
  • Enormous Fox (the size of a horse)
  • Great White Shark
  • Velociraptor
  • Enraged Mutant Penguin
  • Werewolf (only on a full moon)

Perry has not decided on what to do with the animal list once it has been completed.

“I guess I’ll rank them in order.  It’s kind of like the list of favorite bands I made a while back, I guess I’ll just put it in my filing cabinet when it’s done.”

TCU Implodes Hot Dog Cart to Make Way for New, Deluxe Hot Dog Cart

FORT WORTH, TX – Shortly after the Amon Carter football stadium implosion, TCU administrative officials moved on to other targets for razing yesterday. Their first target was the implosion of a hot dog cart that has stood for decades near student lecture halls to be replaced by a new, deluxe hot dog cart.

TCU Hot Dog Cart
Before and After: Old Eyesore Cart Imploding vs. New Cutting-Edge Cart

The implosion took place around 8 A.M. yesterday, and the blast could be heard throughout the corridor.

“I was in my dorm room, I could see the cart from my window.  But, it was pretty old. It looked like it fell over as much as imploded,” said TCU freshman Lynette Gordon. “Also, it had wheels. They imploded something that could have been pushed to the dump by an old man.”

Having served students between classes and before countless athletic events since 1979, the loss of the old frankfurter cart is bittersweet for long-time alumni and faculty.  School officials, however, believed a new deluxe cart was in order to attract a the next classes of prospective students in the future. The gleaming new cart features room for an extra 20 dogs, a bun warmer, and a rack that can hold more condiments that ever.

The new features were not lost on the cart’s operator, Jesse Bannister. “I’m thinking of adding sauerkraut,” he said.

“I wish they would pay me above minimum wage instead of buying this damn new cart though,” added Bannister.

School officials were left with more explosives than needed from the stadium project, leading to the development of new targets for demolition.  School officials have also considered using the explosives for imploding other campus structures, or for “funny pranks.”

I Am Going to Shake the Shit Out of This Toy

Buster
Buster

Hey pal, I’ve got news for you.  This new chew toy you dropped so carelessly? It’s dead.  You may have wanted it for yourself, but it’s on the floor now, and that’s my territory. I am totally going to shake the shit out of it.

You think it’s so great? You think you made a wise investment on a nice, durable item? That stupid toy isn’t going to last 97 minutes.  As soon as you turn around, I’m putting it in my mouth and showing it who’s boss.

I’m not even kidding, I’ve got my head shaking in peak form.  My neck can generate 58,000 pounds of torque when I get going. I could do that to your arm if it came down to it.

It’s not going to look like a cute giraffe anymore when I’m done with it.  It’ll be just unrecognizable giraffe parts all over the linoleum. Hey, if you wanted to keep it as a cute even-toed ungulate you need to be more careful with your crap.

I don’t have opposable thumbs, you know, so you could just stick it in a drawer and be done with it.  And that’s what you’ll have to do, because whatever you buy I can break.  Unless it’s some super-strong mix of titanium and platinum alloys, I can destroy anything with a good shaking.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Second Coming of Jesus Missed Due to Cowboys’ Awesome Video Board

ARLINGTON, TX – The long awaited second-coming of Jesus Christ by Christians across the world came and went without being noticed by a distracted crowd. The appearance was made on the field of Cowboys Stadium during the most recent Dallas Cowboys game; however, the crowd’s attention was sharply focused on the stadium’s enormous video screen.

Dallas Cowboys Video Board and Jesus
Jesus said to be photographed somewhere below awesome video board

“I’m not sure I even saw the field.  That place has a really awesome TV, so I just kind of sat down and zoned out for a couple of hours,”  said fan Chris Kelly of the stadium’s high definition video board – the largest in the world.  “They could have been rendering livestock down there and I wouldn’t have noticed.”

Some attendants of the game battled multiple diversions. “I was distracted not only by the video board, but also by the nacho cheese mess I was getting all over my hands,” said fan Cody Allen.

The second-coming was only spotted by a viewer at home who managed to accidentally catch sight of the field itself.  “I was watching the video board as it appeared on my TV at home, like anyone else.  But, I happened to be adjusting the volume when I caught a glimpse of the field in my peripheral vision.  That’s when I saw the unmistakable glowing figure of Jesus at the 30 yard line.”

Closer viewing of the game’s video showed that the second-coming was a good 15 minutes where Jesus attempted to catch the attention of the crowd.  At different times he spoke to crowd, waved his arms, and eventually left after appearing frustrated by the Cowboys’ careless penalties.

NFL owners are expected to meet to discuss the installation of a Jesus-detection technology in all stadiums in the future to avoid missing a potential third-coming.

Bush Steadily Stocking Up for Presidential Library at Half Price Books

DALLAS, TX – In preparation for the groundbreaking of his Presidential Library, former President George W. Bush has recently been spotted at area bookstores purchasing large volumes of books.  He and his Secret Service detail have been hustling through several Half Price Books locations and loading up Bush’s SUV throughout the past few days.

George Bush Thumbs Through a Stack of Books for Signs of Wear and Tear
Bush thumbs through a stack of books looking for doodles and bent corners

“I’ve been loading up the car each run.  Seats, floors, luggage rack on the roof, I go until it’s jam packed so we can cut down on return trips,” said Bush.  “I’m not just grabbing books, I’ve picked up CDs, DVDs, quality magazines, and a few word-a-day calendars even.”

The George W. Bush Presidential Library broke ground in Dallas this month, and the pressure of filling the library with materials has sped up Bush’s purchasing plans.

His initial plans were to simply order everything off his Amazon Wishlist and have the items shipped in.  When he realized his list hadn’t topped 100 books, he had to make a change in plans.

“Laura and I were up all night scratching price labels off of these. I think she a little annoyed that I’ve gone the used route, but you try buying 10,000 books on a budget.”

So far Bush has all but filled his history and sociology sections, but is far short in the fiction, fine arts, and science genres.  The fiction section is recovering from earlier setbacks when it was discovered that they had accidentally collected a dozen copies of the Michael Crichton novel “Congo.”

Rangers Once Again Fail To Win World Series

ARLINGTON, TX – The Texas Rangers baseball team continued once again to fail in achieving their goals. Despite aiming to win the World Series as they have every year, the Rangers failed for the 39th consecutive season.

For months on end, the Rangers club employed dozens of professional baseball players, coaches, trainers and other staff intended to finally win a World Series title.  And yet, all of the time, money, and effort again all amounted to nothing.

Texas Ranger's Michael Young
Michael Young somehow manages to get out of bed and drag himself into work

“Think of all the fireworks we wasted this year.  What was the point?”  said stadium usher Mary Card, who spent night after night assisting fans to their seats and watching the team’s ultimately fruitless effort.  Despite the overwhelming evidence that this season would be another failure, numerous fans in fact attended the games during the season to witness the Rangers fall short as usual.

The players themselves found solace from the presence of fans at the games. “It’s really kind of them to continue to encourage us. If we were running an airline and our first 39 flights ended in crash landings, well I don’t think we’d have a lot of passengers,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with this bunch of losers,” Rangers team manager Ron Washington lamented after the season ended. “I mean how many times can we realistically keep trying the same thing over and over. Eventually it’s time to just say we gave it a go for 40 years but it wasn’t meant to be. I think maybe it’s time.”

Fried “Big Tex” Wins State Fair Fried Food Contest

DALLAS, TX – The competition for the annual Best Taste award at the State Fair of Texas was once again high intensity. A number of creative fried food entries battled for the award, with an unusual entry coming out on top.  Beating out favorites such as fried frito pie and fried candy bars was fried “Big Tex,” the beloved symbol of the Fair.

“It turns out all of the years of exposure to turkey legs, funnel cakes and sweaty kids have given Big Tex an unusual flavor,” said the dish’s creator, Hank Johnson.  “Frying him really brought out the best flavors, and conversely masks the toxic chemicals.”

While visitors will enjoy consuming Big Tex, the taste will be bittersweet as they mourn the loss of an icon.  Big Tex towered over the Fair for more than 50 years at a height of 52 feet tall, or over 2,000 on-a-stick portions.

Congress Replaces “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Policy with “Bi-curious Exemption”

WASHINGTON – After an exhaustive study reported that being bi-curious is “not that big of a deal,” military leaders struck a last minute deal with Congressional leaders to replace the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy on sexual orientation.  Congress sent the new bill, officially entitled “The Military Bi-Curious Exemption Act,” on for an expected Presidential signature.

The new deal allows for the military branches to continue officially disallowing the service of gays and lesbians, while labeling such same-sex behavior as “bi-curiosity.” The law allows for individuals to be consider “bi-curious” for up to 50 years before being considered gay or lesbian and being banned from serving.

Congress
Congress debates which sexual acts constitute “curious”

Upon reading the study, the Joint Chiefs of Staff  agreed with the findings.  “Oh no, bi-curious is definitely not gay.  I did some odd stuff after drinking here and there, so it’s cool.”

“Survivor” Accidentally Uncovers the Whereabouts of Mythical Football Coach Island

After centuries of searching by archeologists, the legendary Football Coach Island has been discovered.  Previously believed to be perhaps only a mythical land, the discovery confirms that Football Coach Island is in an actual atoll in the Pacific ocean.

Jimmy Johnson
Former Dallas Cowboys head coach and island native Jimmy Johnson

The discovery was made by the production crew of the reality TV show “Survivor.” Scouting for the newest season’s location, the crew landed on the shores of the uncharted island and quickly discovered the island’s true identity.  The island’s native inhabitants were quickly in the faces of the crew, loudly ordering them to do large numbers of push-ups and wind sprints.  The crew was told repeatedly how they were out of shape and undisciplined.

Archeologists and historians later confirmed the islands identity by a number of tale-tell signs. Ancient markings of X’s, O’s and arrows were found in long-abandoned caves.  Digs at the oldest sites unturned crudely football-shaped items made of animal hides and even tools such as a stone whistle.

The production  crew intended to leave the island in it’s natural state after filming a season of Survivor.