WESTLAKE, TX – The impending arrival of popular television political commentator Glenn Beck into a North Texas neighborhood has local crackpot Wes Edwards worried.
“Who am I now if I’m not the neighborhood’s right-wing crying Mormon conspiracy theorist? That was my whole deal,” said Edwards.
While Edwards has never had a television or radio show to express his views as Beck has, he is known to stand on street corners and loudly rail against topics such as the government, judges, drugs, aliens, and the amount he sweats from standing on corners.
While there may be some superficial similarities between the two men, Edwards still feels he has a lot to offer the neighborhood.
“His conspiracy theories are weak. Mine are much better,” he noted. “Not only do I think the moon landing was staged, I think the whole moon is a hologram. And I believe that shit.”
ARLINGTON, TX – More than a year after the news emerged that he had used cocaine during the baseball season came another revelation from Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington.
Washington admitted to being high on baseball fever for the last several months, which has been slowly building from the time the Rangers reached the World Series last season. Only recently did he inform the team.
“I went into Nolan Ryan’s office and told him, man to man, I’ve got a problem. I’m high on baseball fever,” said Washington.
According to players, the symptoms of baseball fever are varied. Players afflicted are known to develop a wild look in their eyes, eat ballpark nachos exclusively, spend extra hours at batting practice, and suffer from “pretty intense diarrhea.” The diarrhea though may be a byproduct of the nacho diet.
The Rangers intend to send Washington for treatment and hope to have him cured shortly. The prescribed therapy for Washington is to cut down on spicy foods and watch dozens of tapes of 1980’s Rangers baseball games.
In addition to cocaine usage and baseball fever, Washington also admitted that at different points of time in his past he has been high on basketball fever, bowling fever, disco fever, allergy medication, and butane.
DALLAS, TX – The drama in the NBA finals battle between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat continued with a new wrinkle in game 4 of the series. Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki had to fight through a sudden Kuato infection, which slowed him down, but not enough to prevent the Mavs from defeating the Heat 86-83.
Nowitzki believes he contracted the Kuato after a long night of watching the SyFy channel. In response, Nowitzki’s teammates elevated their games and felt confident he would be up to the challenge.
“Over the course of a season, everyone’s got various hardships they have to fight through,” said Mavericks center Tyson Chandler. “Sometimes you gotta fight through a damn Kuato bursting out of your chest.”
With the Heat’s stifling defense and the small humanoid hanging off of Nowitzki, coach Rick Carlisle knew he would have to make a number of strategic changes to pull of the win.
“It’s especially hard with the double dribble rules. He can’t let Kuato get his tiny hands on the ball or it’s an automatic turnover,” said Carlisle.
While Mavericks escaped with a win, Nowitzki is hoping to be over the Kuato by the next game of the series.
“It should go away pretty soon. My doctor says I gotta stop feeding the thing though.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the mounting Twitter scandal surrounding Representative Anthony Weiner, Capitol Hill watchers are speculating on whether or not he will step down from his Congressional seat and who his replacement may be. New York City Council member Sylvia Breasts is thought to be the early front-runner to replace Weiner if the seat is vacated.
Council member Breasts is known to have a firm and buoyant personality, which has helped to keep her in good standing with her constituents. At times, she has come under fire for being saggy and lopsided on issues, but political analysts report she is what the people want to see.
“At this point in the game, Breasts’ campaign managers don’t want to see her develop too early,” says one analyst, who asked to be kept anonymous commenting on Breasts’ support.
“I would much rather see Breasts than Weiner,” Says John Summers, a New York voter.
Breasts has always been a huge hit with the male and special interest voter, specifically lesbian voters. Her platform has always perfectly represented that demographic of Americans. Going into an election year, voters will likely see Council member Breasts with a few new enhancements that will appeal to an even larger demographic.
“Weiner has been a major embarrassment for the area,” said another New Yorker. “We want the nation to take us seriously, and we think Breasts can make that happen.”
Attention, readers! This news website you read, the DFWian, is full of gross inaccuracies. I am not exaggerating when I say it is perhaps the most inaccurate news source I’ve ever read.
I assure you I had no idea at the piss-poor journalism standards they had here when I signed up as an editorial writer. I didn’t find out until recently when a few incidents tipped me off.
First, the wife is polishing my golf shoes when I tell her about the planned ziplines for downtown Dallas. She tells me the story is hogwash. I ask around, and yup, it’s a half-truth at best. That’s the liberal media for you.
Another incident. I’m out giving the neighbor kid a stern talking-to about the second-rate job he did mowing my yard, when I mention that they fried and ate Big Tex at the State Fair. Again, I learned that I had been duped.
Who’s to blame for this scourge of misinformation? This generation just doesn’t understand the value of real reporting. This two-bit website is most likely just written by a much of computers. Someone probably just hits a button on their phone that says “create shitty website” and there you have it.
Nope, Walter Cronkite does not work here. If there’s any accurate reporting on this site, this is it.
DALLAS, TX – The marriage of Tony Romo and Candice Crawford got off to an unsteady start as Romo was ferociously sacked during their wedding vows. The sack came unexpectedly as a defensive end for the New York Giants rushed around the wedding party to take down Romo.
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin thought the play was big for his team.
“We scouted the rehearsal and knew just when the most opportune time would be,” said Coughlin.
“To me, Coach Garrett needed to call a different play there,” said Romo’s frustrated best man. “I thought that was the perfect time for a deep sideline pass or maybe a unity candle.”
While Romo wasn’t happy about the results, he says he’s moving forward.
“It’s all just part of a wedding,” said Romo. “We’ve still got lots of time left on the clock to turn things around and put together a really solid marriage.”
The bride, Candice Crawford, for her part largely enjoyed the wedding.
“My only regret was inviting the Giants defensive line,” said Crawford. “I didn’t even really want to, but you know, family obligations.”
Those in attendance left satisfied as well.
“Everything was very lovely,” said one woman in attendance. “Arlington Hall was an excellent location. Even the giant scoreboard they installed was tastefully done.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In reaction to attempts by the Texas Legislature to prevent invasive pat-downs of air travelers, the TSA defiantly announced plans to further expand the controversial security measures.
Official Jack Getty explained the reasoning behind the new efforts on behalf of the TSA. “We are taking groping to the next level. If Texans are so offended by what they are dealing with now, this is just the tip, so to speak, of the groping iceberg.”
Additional TSA agents will be brought on to nonchalantly lean against the scanners and “leer creepily” at each person passing through security. The dress code for these additional agents will depart from the standard blue button-up uniforms to instead require less formal, pre-stained white undershirts.
The new regulations call for groping of all passengers, even those exiting from flights. The official TSA manual covering the new groping rules states that a pat-down from security personnel is not complete until they get “handsy.”
ARLINGTON, TX – Arlington teacher Brittni Colleps went above and beyond the normal duties of her position to offer an extracurricular class on orgies for a select group of students. Furthermore, the five students who attended Mrs. Collep’s orgy class showed their appreciation of the opportunity by resoundingly passing the class.
Coming at a time when budgets are being cut and teachers are being laid off, many consider this teacher to be a role model for taking matters into her own hands to ensure students are well versed in the “four R’s” of reading, writing, arithmetic, and orgies.
“I’m glad they are learning useful skills for the future,” said one district parent. “Let’s face it,these are the leaders of our orgies in the future, so we need to get them on the right track early.”
The class, which was held at the teacher’s house after school, is not one required for graduation, but has garnered strong interest for a follow-up course from other students at the school. Several students have recommended teachers that they feel should head up the next class.
“I can think of a couple of teachers, that new counselor, and some students that I definitely think should take the class,” said one senior.
For extra credit, one of the students filmed the classroom activities to, perhaps to serve as an educational video for his peers.
“What can I say, I love to learn,” said the student.