NEW YORK – Evoking memories of the historic John F. Kennedy speech of 1961, leading Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump made an ambitious promise of his own. Calling on America to become “great again,” Trump vowed to build the first casino on the moon.
“When I am elected President, we will build the most luxurious, unbelievable casino, and we’re going to put it on the surface of the moon,” said Trump. “Or Mars, whichever’s closer. It doesn’t matter, it’s going to be a huge success.”
When asked about how he would pay for the proposed space casino, Trump assured the public that the casino would pay for itself.
“It will be the most popular attraction on the entire moon,” he proclaimed. “You can’t imagine how much wealth it’s going to bring this country; people are always looking for a reason to go to the moon.”
“The Russians won’t do it; the Chinese can’t even consider it. They don’t know the first thing about world-class entertainment,” said Trump. “It’s gonna have unbelievable rooms, tons of hot bands, oxygen, things like that, all on the moon. I am gonna make that happen.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the mounting Twitter scandal surrounding Representative Anthony Weiner, Capitol Hill watchers are speculating on whether or not he will step down from his Congressional seat and who his replacement may be. New York City Council member Sylvia Breasts is thought to be the early front-runner to replace Weiner if the seat is vacated.
Council member Breasts is known to have a firm and buoyant personality, which has helped to keep her in good standing with her constituents. At times, she has come under fire for being saggy and lopsided on issues, but political analysts report she is what the people want to see.
“At this point in the game, Breasts’ campaign managers don’t want to see her develop too early,” says one analyst, who asked to be kept anonymous commenting on Breasts’ support.
“I would much rather see Breasts than Weiner,” Says John Summers, a New York voter.
Breasts has always been a huge hit with the male and special interest voter, specifically lesbian voters. Her platform has always perfectly represented that demographic of Americans. Going into an election year, voters will likely see Council member Breasts with a few new enhancements that will appeal to an even larger demographic.
“Weiner has been a major embarrassment for the area,” said another New Yorker. “We want the nation to take us seriously, and we think Breasts can make that happen.”
HOUSTON, TX – All players and coaches in this year’s NCAA “March Madness” basketball tournament have agreed to a predetermined outcome for every game in order to match the results to the selections made by local resident Mindy Henderson. Henderson, an administrator at a medical supply firm, filled out her bracket last week to compete in an annual office pool.
The teams did this as a way to earn Mindy a little more respect around the office, and also to stick it to her coworker, office jerk Pete Downing. Mindy, who has never won the office pool, always has to hear from two-time winner Pete about how well is doing.
“I’m tired of Pete’s whole shtick – no one is impressed with you, dude,” said Jordan Hamilton, forward from Texas. “Besides, Mindy could use that pot of money – it’s like $80 at least.”
While Mindy’s entry into the pool took her only a few minutes of randomly selecting teams, those picks were followed to a tee for the first two rounds by the players, with more rounds upcoming. While everyone was happy to help Mindy, not all of the players were satisfied with her selections.
“I can’t believe that Mindy had us losing in the first round,” said Mark Lyons of Xavier. “I just wish I could ask her why.”
Other players whose teams didn’t advance to the next round kept focused on the goal.
“I really wanted to win our game,” said Texas A & M guard B.J. Holmes. “But we all win when Mindy wins.”
COPPELL, TX – The local economy is set to take another hit as Coppell-based “Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart” has filed for bankruptcy.
Unlike other big box retailers such as Target and Wal-Mart, Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart’s main strategy revolved around not charging customers for the clothing, kitchen items, electronics, and other goods carried by the stores. Nor was there any other method of driving revenue.
“It’s disappointing timing, we had recently moved into the grocery market, too,” said CEO Trent McNeel. “I think that was our biggest problem, we really needed to carry more items to keep up with Wal-Mart.”
Despite their constant flow of customers, the stores constantly lost money. Many industry analysts felt the loses were due to seasonal buying patterns, an increasing cost of goods, and the board of directors’ complete lack of understanding of the basics of the monetary system.
“We had so much in common with other businesses. Stores, employees, products – I’m not sure what we were missing,” said board member Jen Shields. “Just last week, a whole Costco truck drove up, and a group of guys loaded up with a ton of our stuff. I’m sure at least that day must have been a good one on the balance sheet.”
The company is expected to conduct layoffs in all of its stores and get rid of assets shortly. In getting rid of their assets, Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart is taking the unusual move of not liquidating them but rather dropping everything off at Goodwill. The flagship store location will be given to McNeel’s nephew, who is planning to move in for the summer with friends, “take care of a few things, and maybe enroll in junior college if there’s time.”
Literally-Everything-Is-Free-Mart had begun the year as a hot commodity among investors, but stock prices hit rock bottom after a 3rd consecutive earnings report showed $0 in revenue and massive expenses.
“We hardly ever had any customer complaints, so I thought we were doing well,” said store manager Dave Powe. “If anyone complained, it was usually that we didn’t have free delivery on the large items. I offered my car, but it was just too small usually. Free delivery would have put us over the top I feel.”
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Another Groundhog Day celebration has come and gone with a prediction of early Spring. While most attendants and locals enjoyed the Groundhog Day festivities, one groundhog in particular, Punxsutawney Dave, found the event nearly unbearable.
Few groundhogs have achieved the level of attention of Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who is pulled out of his hole and help up during the event. Regardless of whether or not Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, his older brother Punxsutawney Dave sees red.
Over the years, Punxsutawney Dave has grown more and more resentful of Punxsutawney Phil’s fame. Locals believe Punxsutawney Dave has become a bitter and spiteful groundhog because of it.
Years ago, Punxsutawney Dave and Punxsutawney Phil were close pals, but that all changed during a fateful brunch. While Punxsutawney Dave was just finishing up mixing their mimosas, a pair of hands reached down into the hole. Punxsutawney Phil was plucked out of the hole and thrust into fame. Since then, Phil’s fame has brought only jealousy to his brother.
“I don’t see what Phil brings to the table. He just wiggles around and mouthbreaths, misses his shadow like a dumbass and that’s it,” said Punxsutawney Dave.
While Punxsutawney Phil seems to be unaware of any tension between he and his brother, others wonder what’s to become of Punxsutawney Dave. He has talked of moving to LA to try his luck as an actor, but others see that as a questionable idea.
“I think Punxsutawney Dave overrates the need for more groundhogs on TV,” said another area groundhog.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The President’s State of the Union address, typically a time for national discussion and debate of the day’s leading concerns, instead left people at a loss for any reaction this time. During the course of the speech, instead of focusing on what was being said, no one could refrain from staring at a piece of food lodged in President Obama’s teeth.
The green piece of food clearly stood out as the President spoke, made all the more grotesque to those watching in HD television. The object remained throughout the long speech, which viewers simply could not look away from.
“I’m not sure what he talked about, but it should have been on the importance of flossing,” said Amy Anderson. “It was disgusting.”
Point after point, while Obama waited for applause, lawmakers in attendance gave no reaction as they studied the object intently. In the post-analysis surveys, the economy was replaced as the leading concern of Americans by knowing the type of food in Obama’s teeth. Additionally, asked whether or not they approved of the speech, 10% approved, 10% disapproved, and 80% simply shrugged their shoulders.
The Republican response given immediately after the speech was unusually brief. Republican Paul Ryan simply gave a rebuttal consisting of “What did he say? Oh no, I missed that whole thing.”
COLUMBUS, OH – The internet sensation of the former homeless man Ted Williams has now inspired the development of a new television show. The popular video of the “golden-voiced” former radio announcer led television producers to work up a new reality show, “America’s Homeless Got Talent.”
The show will be similar to the existing show, “America’s Got Talent,” however, instead of showcasing the talents of Americans who do not live on the streets, the show will feature and exploit the homeless.
“I feel like these homeless people have been holding out on us – big time,” said co-producer Darren Stone. “Well, we’re onto you, homeless people.”
“The success of Ted Williams made us realize America’s definitely ready for more homeless-based reality programmming,” said one network executive. “There’s an audience out there that’s ready to sit down and watch an hour long show featuring the same people they pretend don’t exist when the walk past them.”
At the end of each show, the winner of each show will be given a round of applause and a high five as they pass through the exit on their way back to the streets.
WASHINGTON – After an exhaustive study reported that being bi-curious is “not that big of a deal,” military leaders struck a last minute deal with Congressional leaders to replace the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy on sexual orientation. Congress sent the new bill, officially entitled “The Military Bi-Curious Exemption Act,” on for an expected Presidential signature.
The new deal allows for the military branches to continue officially disallowing the service of gays and lesbians, while labeling such same-sex behavior as “bi-curiosity.” The law allows for individuals to be consider “bi-curious” for up to 50 years before being considered gay or lesbian and being banned from serving.
Upon reading the study, the Joint Chiefs of Staff agreed with the findings. “Oh no, bi-curious is definitely not gay. I did some odd stuff after drinking here and there, so it’s cool.”
After centuries of searching by archeologists, the legendary Football Coach Island has been discovered. Previously believed to be perhaps only a mythical land, the discovery confirms that Football Coach Island is in an actual atoll in the Pacific ocean.
The discovery was made by the production crew of the reality TV show “Survivor.” Scouting for the newest season’s location, the crew landed on the shores of the uncharted island and quickly discovered the island’s true identity. The island’s native inhabitants were quickly in the faces of the crew, loudly ordering them to do large numbers of push-ups and wind sprints. The crew was told repeatedly how they were out of shape and undisciplined.
Archeologists and historians later confirmed the islands identity by a number of tale-tell signs. Ancient markings of X’s, O’s and arrows were found in long-abandoned caves. Digs at the oldest sites unturned crudely football-shaped items made of animal hides and even tools such as a stone whistle.
The production crew intended to leave the island in it’s natural state after filming a season of Survivor.
PLANO, TX – The highly acclaimed new movie “The Social Network” is causing the social media users it portrays to reconsider their online activities. The movie, which tells the story of the founding of Facebook, is being widely viewed by millions of Facebook’s own users.
Reviews of the movie from the audience were largely positive, with many relating the story to their own lives. “I was sitting and watching the movie, and I couldn’t help think about how much time I spend sitting and clicking, or typing” said one Plano teen.
“This was much more relaxing, just sitting and watching is easier for sure. It also frees up my hands for eating.”
Their were many different views from the audience of how social media usage was affecting their lives.
“I liked watching stuff on a big screen. I done with wasting time on a small screen.” said another teen upon viewing the movie. “Think how cool my Facebook profile pic would look on a screen that big. You could probably see my mustache growing in.”