So I Didn’t Get that Mayor Job

Rod Beavers for Mayor
Rod Beavers

Yup, I didn’t get either the Dallas or Fort Worth mayor jobs.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that you gotta play ball with the corporate big wigs in politics. The little guy doesn’t stand a chance without giving the corporate nips a tug. Well, let me tell you something, Rod does not play ball. Literally, as mentioned, I won’t play kickball or any shit like that. But, also, compromising my principals is out.

Here’s a conversation that I imagine I would have with some fat cat business-dude.

Big wig: “Rod, we want to grind up some assorted pills we are testing and put them into school cafeteria food to see if any kids grow a tail or whatever. Mind looking the other way?”

Rod: “Absolutely not. Wait, how much will you pay me?”

Big Wig: “Eight thousand dollars.”

Rod: “Absolutely not.”

Things haven’t been all bad though. The unemployment checks keep rolling in, I just got “The Trees” by Rush on vinyl, and I’ve got a lot more free time again; campaigning is a full-time job. I spent a lot of time doing favors to get my friends to vote for me. I powerwashed my buddy Gary’s patio. I bought beer for a group of high school kids, even the ones too young to vote (I figure goodwill for later.)

Anyway, I’ve also got a ton of leftover t-shirts which would be awesome if you bought one.

Oh yeah, apparently I was never on the ballot, I guess you have to file some papers.

This Website Is Full of Inaccuracies!

Bitter Tom
Bitter Tom

Attention, readers! This news website you read, the DFWian, is full of gross inaccuracies. I am not exaggerating when I say it is perhaps the most inaccurate news source I’ve ever read.

I assure you I had no idea at the piss-poor journalism standards they had here when I signed up as an editorial writer. I didn’t find out until recently when a few incidents tipped me off.

First, the wife is polishing my golf shoes when I tell her about the planned ziplines for downtown Dallas. She tells me the story is hogwash. I ask around, and yup, it’s a half-truth at best. That’s the liberal media for you.

Another incident. I’m out giving the neighbor kid a stern talking-to about the second-rate job he did mowing my yard, when I mention that they fried and ate Big Tex at the State Fair. Again, I learned that I had been duped.

Who’s to blame for this scourge of misinformation? This generation just doesn’t understand the value of real reporting. This two-bit website is most likely just written by a much of computers. Someone probably just hits a button on their phone that says “create shitty website” and there you have it.

Nope, Walter Cronkite does not work here. If there’s any accurate reporting on this site, this is it.

Announcing My Candidacy for Mayor of Dallas. Or Fort Worth.

Rod Beavers for Mayor
Rod Beavers

Hey, North Texas. I would like to formally apply for your open positions of mayor. You’ve got one in Dallas and one in Fort Worth, and I’d take either. I’m not picky.

Let me tell you about myself. I’ve worked as a package loader for delivery trucks, and those skills don’t erode. In a pinch, I can help load city trucks or operate barcode scanners.

I waited tables until a few months ago, so I know a little something about serving the people. I put my junk in one too many drinks, so I lost that job, but I gained a lot of experience.

And I made a few bucks appearing in a couple of movies, but you know, not stuff I can put on the formal résumé.

What else? Whiskey? Sure, I drink it. And ya, you’ll notice it because I reek of it.

Anyway, I’ve had lots of free time in growing my Rush vinyl collection while I sleep on my dad’s couch. That’s where you come in.

Dallas (or Fort Worth), you need a mayor, and I need a job. So let’s work this out. If I’m elected, here’s what you will get from Mayor Rod –

Rod’s Top 4 No Problem List

  1. Show up most mornings at 9ish
  2. Grow a beard
  3. Make hard decisions
  4. Help find lost items around the office

I’ve got to set boundaries though, so let’s agree on what I’m not doing while I’m mayor –

Rod’s Bottom 4 No Way List

  1. Weekends. That’s my time. Also, I have a thing I can’t get out of on Tuesdays
  2. Play on some stupid city softball or kickball team
  3. Arrest Erykah Badu – I don’t care if she strips or stabs a guy, she’s OK with me
  4. Lead the city into a war – I’m against wars

OK, I think that covers it. I’m really looking forward to helping people out as mayor, like the homeless, and helping myself by finding a new girlfriend. That should be MUCH easier when I say “oh, I’m the mayor” instead of “can I borrow  a few bucks for the bus?”

So before I go, I gotta admit, I have an alternate motive for this. I need to show evidence that I’m looking for work to collect my unemployment checks, so I’m going to need everyone to vouch for me. If you get a call for a reference, just tell them I’ve been working hard for the job.

Vote for me, May 14th for mayor of Dallas. Or Fort Worth, whichever. And vouch for me if you get a phone call.

If Panther Sales Don’t Pick Up Soon, I May Have to Get a Real Job

Robbie the panther dealer
Robbie

What is wrong with this country lately?  I can’t take this economy much longer. It’s like nobody has the spare cash to buy an illegal panther cub anymore. This is not the America I know.

We have got to get some more money flowing here. People need jobs, kids need better educations, and people need to buy more damn panthers already. It’s a crisis. I’m talking to you Obama.

Used to be, I could count on a steady income of selling illegal panther cubs, flu shots, and pics of surprised girls on toilets. Those pictures I take myself. Kick in a few stalls at the mall, and click – say cheese, poopin’ chick!

I know it’s the economy, too.  There’s no shortage of Texans that want to buy and raise a 200 pound vicious jungle cat at their home or apartment. That’s a pet you can count on people wanting to own. It’s really all about getting some more spending money in people’s pockets. Given the choice between a new XBox and a new panther, panther wins every time.

If things don’t pick up soon, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know that I could take the 9 to 5; I’ve gotten used to my lifestyle. I wake up when I want, wear what I want, sell a few panthers, and hit the clubs or whatever. If I’ve got to sit at a desk answering phones all day I’m gonna get that itch to sell a panther before long. I can’t remember the last time I wore an ironed shirt. I can’t even remember the last time I wore shirt that wasn’t stained with pot ash and panther urine.

So come on, America! Get those gears of industry moving! Keep me from waiting tables at Cotton Patch and buy a panther today.

I Am Going to Shake the Shit Out of This Toy

Buster
Buster

Hey pal, I’ve got news for you.  This new chew toy you dropped so carelessly? It’s dead.  You may have wanted it for yourself, but it’s on the floor now, and that’s my territory. I am totally going to shake the shit out of it.

You think it’s so great? You think you made a wise investment on a nice, durable item? That stupid toy isn’t going to last 97 minutes.  As soon as you turn around, I’m putting it in my mouth and showing it who’s boss.

I’m not even kidding, I’ve got my head shaking in peak form.  My neck can generate 58,000 pounds of torque when I get going. I could do that to your arm if it came down to it.

It’s not going to look like a cute giraffe anymore when I’m done with it.  It’ll be just unrecognizable giraffe parts all over the linoleum. Hey, if you wanted to keep it as a cute even-toed ungulate you need to be more careful with your crap.

I don’t have opposable thumbs, you know, so you could just stick it in a drawer and be done with it.  And that’s what you’ll have to do, because whatever you buy I can break.  Unless it’s some super-strong mix of titanium and platinum alloys, I can destroy anything with a good shaking.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You Should Be Happy With Whatever It Was I Gave You

Bitter Tom
Bitter Tom

Is this the thanks I get?  I go out of my way, getting you a gift from a store, and now you act like I didn’t do anything.

I’m not romantic, am I?  So Jack’s wife got flowers and a dinner out, so what?  You didn’t you get enough for your birthday?  If it’s such a bad gift, maybe I should just take back whatever it was.

I remember it very specifically.  It was $39 before taxes, and I had to walk all over that store.  I had it for you the very day of your birthday, not a day late.  I didn’t even finish my round of golf that day.  Sure, it was raining, but just a drizzle.

So it wasn’t wrapped, now I gotta get you a gift, and wrap it? It didn’t buy itself, did it?  It was a jacket.  You told me that you wanted a jacket from that store, and that’s what I got.  No, wait, that was another year.

But that’s another point, I buy you something ever year.  You have a birthday every single year, and I’m out at least $40-$50 or so for you.  I ran out of ideas years ago.

It was one of those computer picture frames, the iPod one.  And it was way more than $39, it was ridiculous.  And I don’t even know what the point was when you don’t even look at all the slides we have.  Oh right, that’s what you got for me.

My tee time is coming up, so I gotta get going. I’m going to try out the new putter I got you – that’s what it was, the putter.