TCU Implodes Hot Dog Cart to Make Way for New, Deluxe Hot Dog Cart

FORT WORTH, TX – Shortly after the Amon Carter football stadium implosion, TCU administrative officials moved on to other targets for razing yesterday. Their first target was the implosion of a hot dog cart that has stood for decades near student lecture halls to be replaced by a new, deluxe hot dog cart.

TCU Hot Dog Cart
Before and After: Old Eyesore Cart Imploding vs. New Cutting-Edge Cart

The implosion took place around 8 A.M. yesterday, and the blast could be heard throughout the corridor.

“I was in my dorm room, I could see the cart from my window.  But, it was pretty old. It looked like it fell over as much as imploded,” said TCU freshman Lynette Gordon. “Also, it had wheels. They imploded something that could have been pushed to the dump by an old man.”

Having served students between classes and before countless athletic events since 1979, the loss of the old frankfurter cart is bittersweet for long-time alumni and faculty.  School officials, however, believed a new deluxe cart was in order to attract a the next classes of prospective students in the future. The gleaming new cart features room for an extra 20 dogs, a bun warmer, and a rack that can hold more condiments that ever.

The new features were not lost on the cart’s operator, Jesse Bannister. “I’m thinking of adding sauerkraut,” he said.

“I wish they would pay me above minimum wage instead of buying this damn new cart though,” added Bannister.

School officials were left with more explosives than needed from the stadium project, leading to the development of new targets for demolition.  School officials have also considered using the explosives for imploding other campus structures, or for “funny pranks.”

Second Coming of Jesus Missed Due to Cowboys’ Awesome Video Board

ARLINGTON, TX – The long awaited second-coming of Jesus Christ by Christians across the world came and went without being noticed by a distracted crowd. The appearance was made on the field of Cowboys Stadium during the most recent Dallas Cowboys game; however, the crowd’s attention was sharply focused on the stadium’s enormous video screen.

Dallas Cowboys Video Board and Jesus
Jesus said to be photographed somewhere below awesome video board

“I’m not sure I even saw the field.  That place has a really awesome TV, so I just kind of sat down and zoned out for a couple of hours,”  said fan Chris Kelly of the stadium’s high definition video board – the largest in the world.  “They could have been rendering livestock down there and I wouldn’t have noticed.”

Some attendants of the game battled multiple diversions. “I was distracted not only by the video board, but also by the nacho cheese mess I was getting all over my hands,” said fan Cody Allen.

The second-coming was only spotted by a viewer at home who managed to accidentally catch sight of the field itself.  “I was watching the video board as it appeared on my TV at home, like anyone else.  But, I happened to be adjusting the volume when I caught a glimpse of the field in my peripheral vision.  That’s when I saw the unmistakable glowing figure of Jesus at the 30 yard line.”

Closer viewing of the game’s video showed that the second-coming was a good 15 minutes where Jesus attempted to catch the attention of the crowd.  At different times he spoke to crowd, waved his arms, and eventually left after appearing frustrated by the Cowboys’ careless penalties.

NFL owners are expected to meet to discuss the installation of a Jesus-detection technology in all stadiums in the future to avoid missing a potential third-coming.

Bush Steadily Stocking Up for Presidential Library at Half Price Books

DALLAS, TX – In preparation for the groundbreaking of his Presidential Library, former President George W. Bush has recently been spotted at area bookstores purchasing large volumes of books.  He and his Secret Service detail have been hustling through several Half Price Books locations and loading up Bush’s SUV throughout the past few days.

George Bush Thumbs Through a Stack of Books for Signs of Wear and Tear
Bush thumbs through a stack of books looking for doodles and bent corners

“I’ve been loading up the car each run.  Seats, floors, luggage rack on the roof, I go until it’s jam packed so we can cut down on return trips,” said Bush.  “I’m not just grabbing books, I’ve picked up CDs, DVDs, quality magazines, and a few word-a-day calendars even.”

The George W. Bush Presidential Library broke ground in Dallas this month, and the pressure of filling the library with materials has sped up Bush’s purchasing plans.

His initial plans were to simply order everything off his Amazon Wishlist and have the items shipped in.  When he realized his list hadn’t topped 100 books, he had to make a change in plans.

“Laura and I were up all night scratching price labels off of these. I think she a little annoyed that I’ve gone the used route, but you try buying 10,000 books on a budget.”

So far Bush has all but filled his history and sociology sections, but is far short in the fiction, fine arts, and science genres.  The fiction section is recovering from earlier setbacks when it was discovered that they had accidentally collected a dozen copies of the Michael Crichton novel “Congo.”

Rangers Once Again Fail To Win World Series

ARLINGTON, TX – The Texas Rangers baseball team continued once again to fail in achieving their goals. Despite aiming to win the World Series as they have every year, the Rangers failed for the 39th consecutive season.

For months on end, the Rangers club employed dozens of professional baseball players, coaches, trainers and other staff intended to finally win a World Series title.  And yet, all of the time, money, and effort again all amounted to nothing.

Texas Ranger's Michael Young
Michael Young somehow manages to get out of bed and drag himself into work

“Think of all the fireworks we wasted this year.  What was the point?”  said stadium usher Mary Card, who spent night after night assisting fans to their seats and watching the team’s ultimately fruitless effort.  Despite the overwhelming evidence that this season would be another failure, numerous fans in fact attended the games during the season to witness the Rangers fall short as usual.

The players themselves found solace from the presence of fans at the games. “It’s really kind of them to continue to encourage us. If we were running an airline and our first 39 flights ended in crash landings, well I don’t think we’d have a lot of passengers,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with this bunch of losers,” Rangers team manager Ron Washington lamented after the season ended. “I mean how many times can we realistically keep trying the same thing over and over. Eventually it’s time to just say we gave it a go for 40 years but it wasn’t meant to be. I think maybe it’s time.”

Fried “Big Tex” Wins State Fair Fried Food Contest

DALLAS, TX – The competition for the annual Best Taste award at the State Fair of Texas was once again high intensity. A number of creative fried food entries battled for the award, with an unusual entry coming out on top.  Beating out favorites such as fried frito pie and fried candy bars was fried “Big Tex,” the beloved symbol of the Fair.

“It turns out all of the years of exposure to turkey legs, funnel cakes and sweaty kids have given Big Tex an unusual flavor,” said the dish’s creator, Hank Johnson.  “Frying him really brought out the best flavors, and conversely masks the toxic chemicals.”

While visitors will enjoy consuming Big Tex, the taste will be bittersweet as they mourn the loss of an icon.  Big Tex towered over the Fair for more than 50 years at a height of 52 feet tall, or over 2,000 on-a-stick portions.

Councilman Joel Burns’ Follow-Up to Anti-Bullying Speech Fails to Go Viral

FORT WORTH, TX – City councilman Joel Burns’ hugely viral speech on teen bullying of gay students was followed up with one that was simply ignored by the national media. He chose to respond to his success from the previous meeting with a procedural request in the following city council meeting to delay a change in zoning laws.

Joel Burns

The emotional speech on the difficulties realities of many gay teens was picked up by dozens of national news media outlets, and was shared widely on the internet.  Television shows from CNN, the Today Show, Ellen DeGeneres and others interviewed Burns in coverage of the story.  None have called to discuss the zoning motion.

“I posted it on YouTube just like the other one, and zip.  So far it has about a million less views,”  said Burns, who is mystified by the lack of national attention.  “I’m gonna give it another week.”

Burns is unsure of the topic he will address in the next city council meeting, but feels he has a “hot one” about bicycle safety.

Oklahoma High School Transfer Declared Ineligible for High School Spanish Club

SOUTHLAKE, TX – Transfer student Rich Garcia has been ruled ineligble for Spanish Club, according to the Texas governing board for extracurricular activities. Garcia transferred from an Oklahoma high school to a North Texas high school and intended to join the Spanish Club, one of the top clubs in the state.

Rich dons a sombrero
Garcia displays his support for the Spanish language

After learning that the transfer was done for the purpose of joining the Spanish Club, known as “Los Burritos Supremos,” the board not to allow Garcia to attend any of the six planned after school meetings, or to submit a dish for the school’s foreign language cook-off.

For Los Burritos Supremos, the decision is a heartbreaking one.  With the loss of graduate Deb Moore and her winning beef nacho recipe, the group was in desperate need for some new talent.   Garcia is rumored to have made an excellent hot sauce at his previous school.

Garcia is now mulling other options, including chess club and working after school for his uncle.