Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato Infection to Lead Mavs Past Miami

DALLAS, TX – The drama in the NBA finals battle between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat continued with a new wrinkle in game 4 of the series. Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki had to fight through a sudden Kuato infection, which slowed him down, but not enough to prevent the Mavs from defeating the Heat 86-83.

Dirk Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato on his chest
Nowitzki is frustrated by a Miami double team and Kuato’s incessant plotting to free the Martian rebels

Nowitzki believes he contracted the Kuato after a long night of watching the SyFy channel. In response, Nowitzki’s teammates elevated their games and felt confident he would be up to the challenge.

“Over the course of a season, everyone’s got various hardships they have to fight through,” said Mavericks center Tyson Chandler. “Sometimes you gotta fight through a damn Kuato bursting out of your chest.”

With the Heat’s stifling defense and the small humanoid hanging off of Nowitzki, coach Rick Carlisle knew he would have to make a number of strategic changes to pull of the win.

“It’s especially hard with the double dribble rules. He can’t let Kuato get his tiny hands on the ball or it’s an automatic turnover,” said Carlisle.

While Mavericks escaped with a win, Nowitzki is hoping to be over the Kuato by the next game of the series.

“It should go away pretty soon. My doctor says I gotta stop feeding the thing though.”

Pete Delkus Predicts 4 Months of Ball Sweat for North Texans

DALLAS, TX – In his most recent forecast, WFAA TV meteorologist Pete Delkus called for 4 months of drenching ball sweat for the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex.

Delkus Forecasts Ball Sweat for North Texas
Delkus’ weather map shows intense heat and potentially a nice breeze in the shorts region

“I’m giving this forecast with a very high level of confidence,” said Delkus. “I will be surprised if Dale Hansen doesn’t walk in here smelling like a rhinoceros enclosure all summer long.”

Delkus advised those in the affected areas to quickly return to shorts and boxers for the immediate future.

In addition to ball sweat, according to WFAA’s Doppler Stormtracker Roadster LX, summer temperatures hovering near 100 degrees will also increase the chances of widespread ass sweat.

“It’s advisable to avoid sitting on leather upholstery as well,” says Delkus. “Speaking as a certified meteorologist, it totally sucks get to stuck to that stuff.”

Just hours earlier, Delkus had a highly accurate forecast of gas and sleepiness after his cheese enchilada lunch.

Romo Wedding Marred By Sack During Exchange of Vows

DALLAS, TX – The marriage of Tony Romo and Candice Crawford got off to an unsteady start as Romo was ferociously sacked during their wedding vows. The sack came unexpectedly as a defensive end for the New York Giants rushed around the wedding party to take down Romo.

Romo wedding marred by sack
Despite extensive drilling during rehearsal, Romo’s best men left the defensive end unblocked

Giants head coach Tom Coughlin thought the play was big for his team.

“We scouted the rehearsal and knew just when the most opportune time would be,” said Coughlin.

“To me, Coach Garrett needed to call a different play there,” said Romo’s frustrated best man. “I thought that was the perfect time for a deep sideline pass or maybe a unity candle.”

While Romo wasn’t happy about the results, he says he’s moving forward.

“It’s all just part of a wedding,” said Romo. “We’ve still got lots of time left on the clock to turn things around and put together a really solid marriage.”

The bride, Candice Crawford, for her part largely enjoyed the wedding.

“My only regret was inviting the Giants defensive line,” said Crawford. “I didn’t even really want to, but you know, family obligations.”

Those in attendance left satisfied as well.

“Everything was very lovely,” said one woman in attendance. “Arlington Hall was an excellent location. Even the giant scoreboard they installed was tastefully done.”

TSA to Take Groping Up a Notch in Response to Texas Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In reaction to attempts by the Texas Legislature to prevent invasive pat-downs of air travelers, the TSA defiantly announced plans to further expand the controversial security measures.

TSA agent groping increased
After his morning coffee and popping on his fetish mask, TSA agent Greg Witherspoon is ready for another day at the office.

Official Jack Getty explained the reasoning behind the new efforts on behalf of the TSA. “We are taking groping to the next level. If Texans are so offended by what they are dealing with now, this is just the tip, so to speak, of the groping iceberg.”

Additional TSA agents will be brought on to nonchalantly lean against the scanners and “leer creepily” at each person passing through security. The dress code for these additional agents will depart from the standard blue button-up uniforms to instead require less formal, pre-stained white undershirts.

The new regulations call for groping of all passengers, even those exiting from flights. The official TSA manual covering the new groping rules states that a pat-down from security personnel is not complete until they get “handsy.”

Students Pass Arlington Teacher’s Orgy Class with Flying Colors

ARLINGTON, TX – Arlington teacher Brittni Colleps went above and beyond the normal duties of her position to offer an extracurricular class on orgies for a select group of students. Furthermore, the five students who attended Mrs. Collep’s orgy class showed their appreciation of the opportunity by resoundingly passing the class.

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Students in the orgy class celebrate their academic achievements

Coming at a time when budgets are being cut and teachers are being laid off, many consider this teacher to be a role model for taking matters into her own hands to ensure students are well versed in the “four R’s” of reading, writing, arithmetic, and orgies.

“I’m glad they are learning useful skills for the future,” said one district parent. “Let’s face it,these are the leaders of our orgies in the future, so we need to get them on the right track early.”

The class, which was held at the teacher’s house after school, is not one required for graduation, but has garnered strong interest for a follow-up course from other students at the school. Several students have recommended teachers that they feel should head up the next class.

“I can think of a couple of teachers, that new counselor, and some students that I definitely think should take the class,” said one senior.

For extra credit, one of the students filmed the classroom activities to, perhaps to serve as an educational video for his peers.

“What can I say, I love to learn,” said the student.

Dallas, Fort Worth Citizens Looking Forward to Not Voting for Mayor Again in Runoff

DALLAS, TX – With the mayoral election results in both Dallas and Fort Worth races forcing runoff elections set for June, thousands of citizens in both cities will have another chance to not vote again.

Dallas & Ft. Worth look forward to missing election
Dallas and Fort Worth residents knocked out their to-do lists, except for mowing

Many citizens either had no interest in voting, forgot, or were completely unaware that the elections were happening. Regardless of why they didn’t vote, the majority of people are looking forward to not voting again.

“Getting to not vote twice in a month is a rare treat,” said Billy Morgan of Fort Worth. “I mean, the chance to not vote for mayor only comes around every…oh, I dunno, 15 years? I actually have no idea.”

In addition to not voting for mayor, most residents did not know the names of the outgoing mayors, and were also looking forward to not knowing the name of the new mayors as well.

“Come to think of it, I didn’t vote for mayor, city council, or school board, so I was really able to blow off a lot all at once,” said Dallas non-voter Brittany White. “I did vote for where we went drinking that night though. We ended up at Gilley’s; I lost that one.”

“As I figured, everything worked out. I didn’t vote, and the election still took place. They didn’t even need me.”

As Expected, Dallas Mavericks Sweep Defending Champion L.A. Lakers

DALLAS, TX – Just as everyone expected they would, the Dallas Mavericks roundly defeated the L.A. Lakers four games to zero to advance in the NBA playoffs.

Mavericks beat Lakers as expected
Mavericks players enjoy watching the t-shirt launching crew as a reprieve from their boredom

“Everyone knows about the historical greatness of the Mavericks. When people think of great NBA franchisees and players, it doesn’t take long before the Mavs and players like Mike Iuzzolino, Shawn Bradley, and Samaki Walker come to mind,” said owner Mark Cuban.

With the outcome of the games so certain, many Mavericks fans were already looking ahead to the future before the series concluded.

“It’s playoff time, so as a Mavs fan you just know that means good things. I didn’t even watch the Laker games since they were obviously going to win,” said one fan from Mansfield.

“Most likely, I won’t even pay attention to them until the day of the victory parade. I’ve already got my spot camped out so I’ll have a good view.”

Mavericks fans and players weren’t the only ones unsurprised by their success; even the Lakers’ players knew what was in store for them.

“We knew this was the end for us going in,” said Lakers’ guard Kobe Bryant. “I already had a vacation booked for right after game 4. In fact, the only thing in my locker is my suitcase all packed and ready for Europe. After every timeout was called, I kept hoping the line at airport security would be short.”

With First Draft Pick, Cowboys Select Fattest Player Available

NEW YORK, NY – Sitting at the number 9 spot in the NFL draft, the Dallas Cowboys decided to select the fattest player available, USC offensive tackle Tyron Smith.

Dallas Cowboys Select Fat Player Smith in Draft
With his quickness and athletic skills, it’s easy to forget that Smith is a fat guy

While some teams opted for the strategies of drafting for positional need or selecting the best athlete available, the Cowboys decided the fattest player available was a sure bet.

“We thought the best player in the draft was already gone, and also the fastest, so we just went with fattest,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “We do have some fat guys already, but they weren’t really getting the job done.”

The Cowboys felt that, at age 20, Smith was not only fat now but would be fat for years to come. Garrett hopes to pair Smith with mountain-sized offensive guard Leonard Davis to encourage Smith to retain his bulk. Davis has already been working on a list of where Smith can get the best chicken fried steaks in the area.

Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett believes the team made the right selection in going with Smith.

“Our scouting department watched a lot of film on the guy, and he’s definitely fat,” said Garrett.

In later rounds of the draft, Jones confirmed that the team was still able to nab the player with the coolest older brother, in hopes that the team would get to hang out with him and maybe ride dirt bikes.

Perry Calls for Prayers for Rain, $27 Billion Acounting Error

AUSTIN, TX – Amid extreme drought, Governor Rick Perry has called on Texans to offer prayers for rain, as well as a $27 billion accounting error. The rain is much needed for crops and combating wildfires, and the accounting error would erase the state’s budget shortfall.

Rick Perry Asks Texans to Pray for Accounting Error
State legislators find most of their ideas from Community Chest and Chance Monopoly cards

“We could really use some big event to fix this big deficit problem. So I’m asking for the people of Texas to pray for an accounting error to make the whole issue just go away,” said Perry. “Oh, and rain – that, too.”

State officials said whether the accounting error is the correction of a previous error, or if a new error is made to artificially erase the shortfall is irrelevant.

“However it works out is fine. Like the ‘bank error in your favor’ from Monopoly. But instead of $200 it’s $27 billion,” said Perry.

“Maybe one of the number crunchers realizes he put a decimal in the wrong spot. ‘Did I say $27 billion? I meant $2.70′ sort of thing. I’ll cover $2.70 myself.”

This is the first time Perry has called on Texans to pray since last year, when he called for prayers for awesome tickets to the Hall and Oates’ show in Austin.

Stars Fire Coach for Refusing to Play Magical Hockey Unicorn

DALLAS, TX – With the Dallas Stars failing to make the NHL playoffs for the third straight year, the fallout has already cost coach Marc Crawford his job. Stars General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk found the subpar season to be unacceptable and in particular faulted his refusal to play their Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn.

Dallas Stars Magical Hockey Unicorn
Legend has it that unicorn foals practice shooting ceaselessly to appease their overbearing parents

“We felt that the players needed a new voice, that this coach wasn’t getting the maximum effort out of the team, and that he should have put the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn on the ice more to help us win games,” said Nieuwendyk.

The Stars signed the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn as a free agent after he floated down from a rainbow in Victory Park by the American Airlines Center last fall. His impressive tryout for the team led many to believe he would lead the Stars to the playoffs, but coach Crawford refused to play him anytime other than the final period of blowout games.

“He was slow to learn our plays which caused a lot of confusion. He rarely passed and would take wild shots from 80 feet. He has to be the most talented hockey playing equine I’ve ever seen, but I felt he was too raw,” said Crawford.

Certain Stars players, too, were unsure of the Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn’s ability to help the team. Many felt he was a clubhouse distraction, focused on his own glory and not the team.

“I thought he was a new mascot for the first month,” said Stars forward Steve Ott. “Also, he craps on the locker room floor, which is not cool. I hope the new coach can do something about that.”

The Magical Hockey-Playing Unicorn is only the second magical animal currently in the NHL. The other is Maurice Richard Sea Lion of the Montreal Canadiens, a sea lion which is the reincarnation of hockey legend Maurice “the Rocket” Richard.