Neighborhood’s Ultra-Conservative Crying Mormon Conspiracy Theorist Worried About Being Overshadowed By Glenn Beck

WESTLAKE, TX – The impending arrival of popular television political commentator Glenn Beck into a North Texas neighborhood has local crackpot Wes Edwards worried.

Right-wing crying conspiracy theorist mormon
Edwards enjoying a sunny day on his bike with a good sweat and a good cry

“Who am I now if I’m not the neighborhood’s right-wing crying Mormon conspiracy theorist? That was my whole deal,” said Edwards.

While Edwards has never had a television or radio show to express his views as Beck has, he is known to stand on street corners and loudly rail against topics such as the government, judges, drugs, aliens, and the amount he sweats from standing on corners.

While there may be some superficial similarities between the two men, Edwards still feels he has a lot to offer the neighborhood.

“His conspiracy theories are weak. Mine are much better,” he noted. “Not only do I think the moon landing was staged, I think the whole moon is a hologram. And I believe that shit.”

Ron Washington Admits to Being High on Baseball Fever

ARLINGTON, TX – More than a year after the news emerged that he had used cocaine during the baseball season came another revelation from Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington.

Ron Washington High on Baseball Fever
Ron Washington, high on baseball fever, can’t shake the feeling that the outfielders are really only 6 inches tall

Washington admitted to being high on baseball fever for the last several months, which has been slowly building from the time the Rangers reached the World Series last season. Only recently did he inform the team.

“I went into Nolan Ryan’s office and told him, man to man, I’ve got a problem. I’m high on baseball fever,” said Washington.

According to players, the symptoms of baseball fever are varied. Players afflicted are known to develop a wild look in their eyes, eat ballpark nachos exclusively, spend extra hours at batting practice, and suffer from “pretty intense diarrhea.” The diarrhea though may be a byproduct of the nacho diet.

The Rangers intend to send Washington for treatment and hope to have him cured shortly. The prescribed therapy for Washington is to cut down on spicy foods and watch dozens  of tapes of 1980’s Rangers baseball games.

In addition to cocaine usage and baseball fever, Washington also admitted that at different points of time in his past he has been high on basketball fever, bowling fever, disco fever, allergy medication, and butane.

Chicken Express Opens in the Middle of Line at New In-N-Out Burger

DALLAS, TX – Following the opening of In-N-Out Burger’s first Dallas restaurant on Thursday, Chicken Express announced that it had opened a restaurant in the In-N-Out waiting line.

Chicken Express Opening in Line at In-N-Out Burger
Overindulgence in tea leads many waiting customers to seriously debate soiling themselves to keep from losing their place in line

Several local residents planning to visit the In-N-Out on opening day were excited about the news.

“I went to the last opening, and I got really hungry waiting. I should have known to bring something to eat while I waited for my fast food,” said Chris Helms of Frisco.

Restaurant manager Karen Porter explained the concept behind the new Chicken Express location.

“Basically, the customers wait in line a while and pick up something to eat from us, and then a few hours later they wash that down with their damn precious In-N-Out burgers.”

Chicken Express is also looking into the In-N-Out model to create some of their own buzz. One rumored change is the addition of a secret menu, allowing patrons to order “secret” items, such as:

  1. Shitload of Chicken Tenders
  2. Super-Sized Shitload of Chicken Tenders
  3. Super-Sized Shitload of Chicken Tenders with Super-Sized “Bladder ‘Splodder” Sweet Tea

Other businesses are also sizing up the opportunities for customers waiting at In-N-Out. Apple, for one, is considering launching the next iPhone at In-N-Out by packaging them with burger combo meals.

Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato Infection to Lead Mavs Past Miami

DALLAS, TX – The drama in the NBA finals battle between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat continued with a new wrinkle in game 4 of the series. Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki had to fight through a sudden Kuato infection, which slowed him down, but not enough to prevent the Mavs from defeating the Heat 86-83.

Dirk Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato on his chest
Nowitzki is frustrated by a Miami double team and Kuato’s incessant plotting to free the Martian rebels

Nowitzki believes he contracted the Kuato after a long night of watching the SyFy channel. In response, Nowitzki’s teammates elevated their games and felt confident he would be up to the challenge.

“Over the course of a season, everyone’s got various hardships they have to fight through,” said Mavericks center Tyson Chandler. “Sometimes you gotta fight through a damn Kuato bursting out of your chest.”

With the Heat’s stifling defense and the small humanoid hanging off of Nowitzki, coach Rick Carlisle knew he would have to make a number of strategic changes to pull of the win.

“It’s especially hard with the double dribble rules. He can’t let Kuato get his tiny hands on the ball or it’s an automatic turnover,” said Carlisle.

While Mavericks escaped with a win, Nowitzki is hoping to be over the Kuato by the next game of the series.

“It should go away pretty soon. My doctor says I gotta stop feeding the thing though.”

Sylvia Breasts to Likely Replace Anthony Weiner in Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the mounting Twitter scandal surrounding Representative Anthony Weiner, Capitol Hill watchers are speculating on whether or not he will step down from his Congressional seat and who his replacement may be. New York City Council member Sylvia Breasts is thought to be the early front-runner to replace Weiner if the seat is vacated.

Council member Breasts is known to have a firm and buoyant personality, which has helped to keep her in good standing with her constituents. At times, she has come under fire for being saggy and lopsided on issues, but political analysts report she is what the people want to see.

Anthony Weiner to be Replaced by Sylvia Breasts
A DFWian.com poll asked, “In Texas, would you rather see Breasts or Weiner?”

“At this point in the game, Breasts’ campaign managers don’t want to see her develop too early,” says one analyst, who asked to be kept anonymous commenting on Breasts’ support.

“I would much rather see Breasts than Weiner,” Says John Summers, a New York voter.

Breasts has always been a huge hit with the male and special interest voter, specifically lesbian voters. Her platform has always perfectly represented that demographic of Americans. Going into an election year, voters will likely see Council member Breasts with a few new enhancements that will appeal to an even larger demographic.

“Weiner has been a major embarrassment for the area,” said another New Yorker. “We want the nation to take us seriously, and we think Breasts can make that happen.”

You can follow the Sylvia Breast campaign on Twitter here @Breasts4America.

This Website Is Full of Inaccuracies!

Bitter Tom
Bitter Tom

Attention, readers! This news website you read, the DFWian, is full of gross inaccuracies. I am not exaggerating when I say it is perhaps the most inaccurate news source I’ve ever read.

I assure you I had no idea at the piss-poor journalism standards they had here when I signed up as an editorial writer. I didn’t find out until recently when a few incidents tipped me off.

First, the wife is polishing my golf shoes when I tell her about the planned ziplines for downtown Dallas. She tells me the story is hogwash. I ask around, and yup, it’s a half-truth at best. That’s the liberal media for you.

Another incident. I’m out giving the neighbor kid a stern talking-to about the second-rate job he did mowing my yard, when I mention that they fried and ate Big Tex at the State Fair. Again, I learned that I had been duped.

Who’s to blame for this scourge of misinformation? This generation just doesn’t understand the value of real reporting. This two-bit website is most likely just written by a much of computers. Someone probably just hits a button on their phone that says “create shitty website” and there you have it.

Nope, Walter Cronkite does not work here. If there’s any accurate reporting on this site, this is it.

Pete Delkus Predicts 4 Months of Ball Sweat for North Texans

DALLAS, TX – In his most recent forecast, WFAA TV meteorologist Pete Delkus called for 4 months of drenching ball sweat for the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex.

Delkus Forecasts Ball Sweat for North Texas
Delkus’ weather map shows intense heat and potentially a nice breeze in the shorts region

“I’m giving this forecast with a very high level of confidence,” said Delkus. “I will be surprised if Dale Hansen doesn’t walk in here smelling like a rhinoceros enclosure all summer long.”

Delkus advised those in the affected areas to quickly return to shorts and boxers for the immediate future.

In addition to ball sweat, according to WFAA’s Doppler Stormtracker Roadster LX, summer temperatures hovering near 100 degrees will also increase the chances of widespread ass sweat.

“It’s advisable to avoid sitting on leather upholstery as well,” says Delkus. “Speaking as a certified meteorologist, it totally sucks get to stuck to that stuff.”

Just hours earlier, Delkus had a highly accurate forecast of gas and sleepiness after his cheese enchilada lunch.

Romo Wedding Marred By Sack During Exchange of Vows

DALLAS, TX – The marriage of Tony Romo and Candice Crawford got off to an unsteady start as Romo was ferociously sacked during their wedding vows. The sack came unexpectedly as a defensive end for the New York Giants rushed around the wedding party to take down Romo.

Romo wedding marred by sack
Despite extensive drilling during rehearsal, Romo’s best men left the defensive end unblocked

Giants head coach Tom Coughlin thought the play was big for his team.

“We scouted the rehearsal and knew just when the most opportune time would be,” said Coughlin.

“To me, Coach Garrett needed to call a different play there,” said Romo’s frustrated best man. “I thought that was the perfect time for a deep sideline pass or maybe a unity candle.”

While Romo wasn’t happy about the results, he says he’s moving forward.

“It’s all just part of a wedding,” said Romo. “We’ve still got lots of time left on the clock to turn things around and put together a really solid marriage.”

The bride, Candice Crawford, for her part largely enjoyed the wedding.

“My only regret was inviting the Giants defensive line,” said Crawford. “I didn’t even really want to, but you know, family obligations.”

Those in attendance left satisfied as well.

“Everything was very lovely,” said one woman in attendance. “Arlington Hall was an excellent location. Even the giant scoreboard they installed was tastefully done.”

TSA to Take Groping Up a Notch in Response to Texas Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In reaction to attempts by the Texas Legislature to prevent invasive pat-downs of air travelers, the TSA defiantly announced plans to further expand the controversial security measures.

TSA agent groping increased
After his morning coffee and popping on his fetish mask, TSA agent Greg Witherspoon is ready for another day at the office.

Official Jack Getty explained the reasoning behind the new efforts on behalf of the TSA. “We are taking groping to the next level. If Texans are so offended by what they are dealing with now, this is just the tip, so to speak, of the groping iceberg.”

Additional TSA agents will be brought on to nonchalantly lean against the scanners and “leer creepily” at each person passing through security. The dress code for these additional agents will depart from the standard blue button-up uniforms to instead require less formal, pre-stained white undershirts.

The new regulations call for groping of all passengers, even those exiting from flights. The official TSA manual covering the new groping rules states that a pat-down from security personnel is not complete until they get “handsy.”

Students Pass Arlington Teacher’s Orgy Class with Flying Colors

ARLINGTON, TX – Arlington teacher Brittni Colleps went above and beyond the normal duties of her position to offer an extracurricular class on orgies for a select group of students. Furthermore, the five students who attended Mrs. Collep’s orgy class showed their appreciation of the opportunity by resoundingly passing the class.

awef
Students in the orgy class celebrate their academic achievements

Coming at a time when budgets are being cut and teachers are being laid off, many consider this teacher to be a role model for taking matters into her own hands to ensure students are well versed in the “four R’s” of reading, writing, arithmetic, and orgies.

“I’m glad they are learning useful skills for the future,” said one district parent. “Let’s face it,these are the leaders of our orgies in the future, so we need to get them on the right track early.”

The class, which was held at the teacher’s house after school, is not one required for graduation, but has garnered strong interest for a follow-up course from other students at the school. Several students have recommended teachers that they feel should head up the next class.

“I can think of a couple of teachers, that new counselor, and some students that I definitely think should take the class,” said one senior.

For extra credit, one of the students filmed the classroom activities to, perhaps to serve as an educational video for his peers.

“What can I say, I love to learn,” said the student.