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DFWian

DFWian has written 55 posts for DFWian

Dallas Officials Eyeing Closure of “Mosquito Dave’s” Mosquito Farm

DALLAS – Dallas city officials are targeting new measures in their battle against the West Nile Virus outbreak. One area official confirmed that the southside mosquito hatchery of popular local “Mosquito Dave” was under consideration to be shut down. “Everyone loves Mosquito Dave. I’m not sure why he has a mosquito farm, but I guess […]

Neighborhood’s Ultra-Conservative Crying Mormon Conspiracy Theorist Worried About Being Overshadowed By Glenn Beck

WESTLAKE, TX – The impending arrival of popular television political commentator Glenn Beck into a North Texas neighborhood has local crackpot Wes Edwards worried. “Who am I now if I’m not the neighborhood’s right-wing crying Mormon conspiracy theorist? That was my whole deal,” said Edwards. While Edwards has never had a television or radio show […]

Ron Washington Admits to Being High on Baseball Fever

ARLINGTON, TX – More than a year after the news emerged that he had used cocaine during the baseball season came another revelation from Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington. Washington admitted to being high on baseball fever for the last several months, which has been slowly building from the time the Rangers reached the World […]

TSA to Take Groping Up a Notch in Response to Texas Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In reaction to attempts by the Texas Legislature to prevent invasive pat-downs of air travelers, the TSA defiantly announced plans to further expand the controversial security measures. Official Jack Getty explained the reasoning behind the new efforts on behalf of the TSA. ”We are taking groping to the next level. If Texans are […]

Chicken Express Opens in the Middle of Line at New In-N-Out Burger

DALLAS, TX – Following the opening of In-N-Out Burger’s first Dallas restaurant on Thursday, Chicken Express announced that it had opened a restaurant in the In-N-Out waiting line. Several local residents planning to visit the In-N-Out on opening day were excited about the news. “I went to the last opening, and I got really hungry waiting. […]

Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato Infection to Lead Mavs Past Miami

DALLAS, TX – The drama in the NBA finals battle between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat continued with a new wrinkle in game 4 of the series. Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki had to fight through a sudden Kuato infection, which slowed him down, but not enough to prevent the Mavs from defeating the […]

Sylvia Breasts to Likely Replace Anthony Weiner in Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the mounting Twitter scandal surrounding Representative Anthony Weiner, Capitol Hill watchers are speculating on whether or not he will step down from his Congressional seat and who his replacement may be. New York City Council member Sylvia Breasts is thought to be the early front-runner to replace Weiner if the seat is vacated. […]

This Website Is Full of Inaccuracies!

Attention, readers! This news website you read, the DFWian, is full of gross inaccuracies. I am not exaggerating when I say it is perhaps the most inaccurate news source I’ve ever read. I assure you I had no idea at the piss-poor journalism standards they had here when I signed up as an editorial writer. […]

Pete Delkus Predicts 4 Months of Ball Sweat for North Texans

DALLAS, TX – In his most recent forecast, WFAA TV meteorologist Pete Delkus called for 4 months of drenching ball sweat for the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. “I’m giving this forecast with a very high level of confidence,” said Delkus. “I will be surprised if Dale Hansen doesn’t walk in here smelling like a rhinoceros enclosure all […]

Romo Wedding Marred By Sack During Exchange of Vows

DALLAS, TX – The marriage of Tony Romo and Candice Crawford got off to an unsteady start as Romo was ferociously sacked during their wedding vows. The sack came unexpectedly as a defensive end for the New York Giants rushed around the wedding party to take down Romo. Giants head coach Tom Coughlin thought the play was […]

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