Author Archives: DFWian

Drivers Forced to Detour Around DFW as All Highways Under Construction

Drivers Forced to Detour Around DFW as All Highways Under Construction

IRVING – Drivers looking to utilize the highways are being routed through a brief 50 mile detour encircling the DFW region while the area is temporarily under construction. The detour is being supported by the new city-funded billboards “What Are You Doing Here When There’s Legal Weed Two States Away?” ad campaign designed to discourage traffic. A spokesperson for Texas Department of ... Read More »

So I Didn’t Get that Mayor Job

So I Didn’t Get that Mayor Job

Yup, I didn’t get either the Dallas or Fort Worth mayor jobs. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that you gotta play ball with the corporate big wigs in politics. The little guy doesn’t stand a chance without giving the corporate nips a tug. Well, let me tell you something, Rod does not play ball. Literally, ... Read More »

Dallas Officials Eyeing Closure of “Mosquito Dave’s” Mosquito Farm

Dallas Officials Eyeing Closure of “Mosquito Dave’s” Mosquito Farm

DALLAS – Dallas city officials are targeting new measures in their battle against the West Nile Virus outbreak. One area official confirmed that the southside mosquito hatchery of popular local “Mosquito Dave” was under consideration to be shut down. “Everyone loves Mosquito Dave. I’m not sure why he has a mosquito farm, but I guess he’s serving some community need,” ... Read More »

Neighborhood’s Ultra-Conservative Crying Mormon Conspiracy Theorist Worried About Being Overshadowed By Glenn Beck

Neighborhood’s Ultra-Conservative Crying Mormon Conspiracy Theorist Worried About Being Overshadowed By Glenn Beck

WESTLAKE, TX – The impending arrival of popular television political commentator Glenn Beck into a North Texas neighborhood has local crackpot Wes Edwards worried. “Who am I now if I’m not the neighborhood’s right-wing crying Mormon conspiracy theorist? That was my whole deal,” said Edwards. While Edwards has never had a television or radio show to express his views as ... Read More »

Ron Washington Admits to Being High on Baseball Fever

Ron Washington Admits to Being High on Baseball Fever

ARLINGTON, TX – More than a year after the news emerged that he had used cocaine during the baseball season came another revelation from Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington. Washington admitted to being high on baseball fever for the last several months, which has been slowly building from the time the Rangers reached the World Series last season. Only recently ... Read More »

Chicken Express Opens in the Middle of Line at New In-N-Out Burger

Chicken Express Opens in the Middle of Line at New In-N-Out Burger

DALLAS, TX – Following the opening of In-N-Out Burger’s first Dallas restaurant on Thursday, Chicken Express announced that it had opened a restaurant in the In-N-Out waiting line. Several local residents planning to visit the In-N-Out on opening day were excited about the news. “I went to the last opening, and I got really hungry waiting. I should have known to ... Read More »

Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato Infection to Lead Mavs Past Miami

Nowitzki Fights Through Kuato Infection to Lead Mavs Past Miami

DALLAS, TX – The drama in the NBA finals battle between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat continued with a new wrinkle in game 4 of the series. Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki had to fight through a sudden Kuato infection, which slowed him down, but not enough to prevent the Mavs from defeating the Heat 86-83. Nowitzki believes he ... Read More »

Sylvia Breasts to Likely Replace Anthony Weiner in Congress

Sylvia Breasts to Likely Replace Anthony Weiner in Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the mounting Twitter scandal surrounding Representative Anthony Weiner, Capitol Hill watchers are speculating on whether or not he will step down from his Congressional seat and who his replacement may be. New York City Council member Sylvia Breasts is thought to be the early front-runner to replace Weiner if the seat is vacated. Council member Breasts is known ... Read More »

This Website Is Full of Inaccuracies!

This Website Is Full of Inaccuracies!

Attention, readers! This news website you read, the DFWian, is full of gross inaccuracies. I am not exaggerating when I say it is perhaps the most inaccurate news source I’ve ever read. I assure you I had no idea at the piss-poor journalism standards they had here when I signed up as an editorial writer. I didn’t find out until ... Read More »

Pete Delkus Predicts 4 Months of Ball Sweat for North Texans

Pete Delkus Predicts 4 Months of Ball Sweat for North Texans

DALLAS, TX – In his most recent forecast, WFAA TV meteorologist Pete Delkus called for 4 months of drenching ball sweat for the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. “I’m giving this forecast with a very high level of confidence,” said Delkus. “I will be surprised if Dale Hansen doesn’t walk in here smelling like a rhinoceros enclosure all summer long.” Delkus advised those ... Read More »