Hey, North Texas. I would like to formally apply for your open positions of mayor. You’ve got one in Dallas and one in Fort Worth, and I’d take either. I’m not picky.
Let me tell you about myself. I’ve worked as a package loader for delivery trucks, and those skills don’t erode. In a pinch, I can help load city trucks or operate barcode scanners.
I waited tables until a few months ago, so I know a little something about serving the people. I put my junk in one too many drinks, so I lost that job, but I gained a lot of experience.
And I made a few bucks appearing in a couple of movies, but you know, not stuff I can put on the formal résumé.
What else? Whiskey? Sure, I drink it. And ya, you’ll notice it because I reek of it.
Anyway, I’ve had lots of free time in growing my Rush vinyl collection while I sleep on my dad’s couch. That’s where you come in.
Dallas (or Fort Worth), you need a mayor, and I need a job. So let’s work this out. If I’m elected, here’s what you will get from Mayor Rod –
Rod’s Top 4 No Problem List
- Show up most mornings at 9ish
- Grow a beard
- Make hard decisions
- Help find lost items around the office
I’ve got to set boundaries though, so let’s agree on what I’m not doing while I’m mayor –
Rod’s Bottom 4 No Way List
- Weekends. That’s my time. Also, I have a thing I can’t get out of on Tuesdays
- Play on some stupid city softball or kickball team
- Arrest Erykah Badu – I don’t care if she strips or stabs a guy, she’s OK with me
- Lead the city into a war – I’m against wars
OK, I think that covers it. I’m really looking forward to helping people out as mayor, like the homeless, and helping myself by finding a new girlfriend. That should be MUCH easier when I say “oh, I’m the mayor” instead of “can I borrow a few bucks for the bus?”
So before I go, I gotta admit, I have an alternate motive for this. I need to show evidence that I’m looking for work to collect my unemployment checks, so I’m going to need everyone to vouch for me. If you get a call for a reference, just tell them I’ve been working hard for the job.
Vote for me, May 14th for mayor of Dallas. Or Fort Worth, whichever. And vouch for me if you get a phone call.