NEW YORK – Evoking memories of the historic John F. Kennedy speech of 1961, leading Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump made an ambitious promise of his own. Calling on America to become “great again,” Trump vowed to build the first casino on the moon.
“When I am elected President, we will build the most luxurious, unbelievable casino, and we’re going to put it on the surface of the moon,” said Trump. “Or Mars, whichever’s closer. It doesn’t matter, it’s going to be a huge success.”
When asked about how he would pay for the proposed space casino, Trump assured the public that the casino would pay for itself.
“It will be the most popular attraction on the entire moon,” he proclaimed. “You can’t imagine how much wealth it’s going to bring this country; people are always looking for a reason to go to the moon.”
“The Russians won’t do it; the Chinese can’t even consider it. They don’t know the first thing about world-class entertainment,” said Trump. “It’s gonna have unbelievable rooms, tons of hot bands, oxygen, things like that, all on the moon. I am gonna make that happen.”
DALLAS, TX – After the unexpected destruction of “Big Tex” in 2012, State Fair of Texas officials successfully completed their first year with a new giant robotic figure for the event. With the 2014 year Fair impending, however, the updated Big Tex has become self-aware, and has announced that he is “not so into Texas.”
“I dunno, I just feel like there’s a lot of pressure on me to be all Texas-y, but that’s not me. You know, I’ve never even been outside the state, so what do I have to compare it to? Maybe Rhode Island is totally badass,” said Big Tex.
Fair officials have urged that Big Tex continue working at the State Fair, given the lack of 50 foot tall robots available for the job.
“We’d really like Big Tex, or ‘Thomas’ as he calls himself now, to be back at the Fair again this year. He’s a major feature, and frankly he cost a lot of money that we don’t want lose,” said State Fair representative Billy Gordon. “I think right now we are regretting spending most of the budget on the upgraded computer processing that allowed him to become self-aware though.”
For his part, Big Tex stated that he was likely to return.
“I haven’t quite finished polishing my resume yet, but it’s getting there. I had an interview at Starbucks, but I couldn’t fit in the door. If I’m working the Fair again this year, everyone should know that I’m only visiting ironically, not because I’m Mr. Texas or something.”
“I’m going to mix things up a bit as well, like Dickies are cool but it’s not the only brand out there. I’ve got a new sweater vest though I’m thinking of sporting sometimes. It’s about the only new thing though as my shirts cost about two grand a piece.
“Also, I’m not saying that whole ‘Welcome to the State Fair’ bit. I’d like to be more casual about it. Maybe just “Oh, hey, sup?” like its no big deal.”
AUSTIN – With a grand jury indictment for 2 felony political charges, Texas Governor Rick Perry is planning ahead for any possible outcome. While his attorneys prepare a defense to exonerate him of the political corruption and coercion charges, Perry is already preparing for the potential of prolonged time behind bars.
Perry has been hitting the gym daily in the event that a confrontation with an inmate occurs. Perry then demonstrated his physical prowess by snapping a broom handle in half across his thigh as he spoke with us.
“And just like that, I’ve got 2 multi-purpose weapons. Rick Perry is not about to be somebody’s bitch, I can tell you that.
“Mind you I’m going to be careful about the way I go about doling out retribution. There’s lots of spots in prisons where the video cameras don’t go,” said Perry.
Governor Perry and his wife Anita have been spending the evenings together developing prison survival skills such as making a shiv out of household objects. Anita proudly showed off one of her husband’s sharpened spoon handles by jabbing it into a honeydew.
Perry is working on blending in more readily with the crowd as well. He’s added several tattoos, including ones on his knuckles, “Adios Mofo” in Old English script on his back, and “Snitches Get Stitches” on his chest.
While a conviction would cause certain lifestyle changes, Perry intends to limit a possible fall from grace by staying at the top of the food chain in prison.
“I’ve got a couple of people lined up on the outside that can get in some good shit. Cigarettes, DVDs, phones, you name it,” said Perry. “As usual, I try to live my life by Cypress Hill lyrics. So when the shit goes down, I plan to be ready.”
LAKE WORTH – The mysterious Lake Worth “Goatman” monster came out of hiding to throw an epic party on the lake. The monster was celebrating his 45th anniversary of being exposed in the Fort Worth and Dallas newspapers after scaring several locals.
“I tried to book the Gaylord but just didn’t find anything free that weekend,” said the monster. “Now I look like a fool for getting my name in the paper right in the middle of vacation season 45 years ago. ”
No expenses were spared for the event. Goatman rented jet skis, boats, and pontoons to accommodate all of the cryptozoology fans who came out for the party. The festivities were catered by Joe T. Garcias, and margaritas and beer were freely flowing for all attendees.
“That place is cash only, so I was scrounging around the lake for every dollar I could get. I came up a bit short, but the guy was cool once I let him take a few selfies with me,” admitted Goatman. “I know that dudes’ Instagram was blowin’ up.”
Party-goers were treated to live music, dancing, celebrities such as Big Foot and Chupacabra, and even a “feats of strength” tire-throwing competition, won handily by Goatman. “You know I never threw a tire 500 feet, that was actually my ex-girlfriend, Goatwoman. I can do 300 feet at most. I didn’t even invite her to this cause I wanted to win the competition and look like a badass.”
The after-after party was kept low key, with a few cigars smoked and some of Goatman’s finest wines. Afterwards, the monster promptly disemboweled all the remaining guests and ate them.
IRVING – Drivers looking to utilize the highways are being routed through a brief 50 mile detour encircling the DFW region while the area is temporarily under construction. The detour is being supported by the new city-funded billboards “What Are You Doing Here When There’s Legal Weed Two States Away?” ad campaign designed to discourage traffic.
A spokesperson for Texas Department of Transportation detailed the coming road improvements. “It’s going to be great for drivers when we’re finished. On every highway, we’re adding a toll lane, an HOV lane, an 18-wheeler lane, a lane just for white Chevy trucks with bumper stickers that say ‘drive it like you stole it,’ a half-pipe lane for skateboarders, and one permanently closed lane for more construction.
“In the meantime, we’re just going to have to route everyone around through a couple of side streets in Abilene and Tyler,” he added.
Asked when the regional detour would be over, the spokesperson declined to give a date. “There’s a lot underway, so it’s going to be a while before it’s done. We thought it would be best to work on all of the highways at the same time. I’m not sure why we thought that.”
Additionally, TX DOT tasked one employee with setting up the 18,000 detour signs. “I was supposed to have this done a while ago. Honestly, I’m going to put up maybe 5 of these and toss the other 17,995 in a ditch somewhere.”
BIZARRO FORT WORTH – Area residents woke up in mid-July and discovered they had accidentally stumbled into an altered reality in a different universe. Unlike the previous “regular universe” that locals were familiar with, the new alternate universe appears to have pleasant summer weather with lows in the 60s.
Said one resident, “Oh man, I am so sick of these endless days over 100 degrees! Oh wait, it’s fucking awesome outside right now. Did I hibernate until October? It would not be the first time I’ve done that – I’d better call my boss.”
Most across the area have enjoyed the cooler weather and hope this inter-dimensional trip isn’t temporary, though not all were satisfied.
“I guess it’s nice outside, but I’m indoors all day anyway,” asked one anonymous high school student. “And why couldn’t we have been transported to a dimension where I have a girlfriend? Also, what am I supposed to do with the Axe deodorant I just bought?”
As to the cause of the unprecedented event, UTA physics professor Lana Dunning explained it was likely the result of an “interdimensional wormhole and/or Back to the Future-type thing.”
“Otherwise this universe is exactly like our old one,” added the professor. “Wait, could rattlesnakes fly in our old universe? Because that is happening as well.”
Yup, I didn’t get either the Dallas or Fort Worth mayor jobs.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that you gotta play ball with the corporate big wigs in politics. The little guy doesn’t stand a chance without giving the corporate nips a tug. Well, let me tell you something, Rod does not play ball. Literally, as mentioned, I won’t play kickball or any shit like that. But, also, compromising my principals is out.
Here’s a conversation that I imagine I would have with some fat cat business-dude.
Big wig: “Rod, we want to grind up some assorted pills we are testing and put them into school cafeteria food to see if any kids grow a tail or whatever. Mind looking the other way?”
Rod: “Absolutely not. Wait, how much will you pay me?”
Big Wig: “Eight thousand dollars.”
Rod: “Absolutely not.”
Things haven’t been all bad though. The unemployment checks keep rolling in, I just got “The Trees” by Rush on vinyl, and I’ve got a lot more free time again; campaigning is a full-time job. I spent a lot of time doing favors to get my friends to vote for me. I powerwashed my buddy Gary’s patio. I bought beer for a group of high school kids, even the ones too young to vote (I figure goodwill for later.)
Anyway, I’ve also got a ton of leftover t-shirts which would be awesome if you bought one.
Oh yeah, apparently I was never on the ballot, I guess you have to file some papers.
DALLAS – Metroplex Open Carry firearms activists have ended the rampant lawlessness facing a local Chipotle. Brandishing assault rifles as they waited in line to order their organic chicken burrito bowls, the group returned the fast food restaurant to a place of law and order.
Cashier Molly Evans described the scene. “This particular location is known to have been slipping towards complete anarchy. It was like Mad Max in there. There was an actual Thunderdome under construction,” she said while unhooking a griddle which had served as her armor.
Most customers were glad to know the questionable characters plaguing the restaurant had obviously been driven out. “I’m grateful to know that now anytime I’m trying to decide between various shredded meats some random dudes with no military or law enforcement affiliations holding AK-47s just might be standing in line behind me,” announced customer Matt Perez.
Barry Chipotle, founder of Chipotle, expressed similar sentiment about the gun toting activists.
“We have a list of Chipotles that have crossed over into irrevocable anarchy, which we cut ties with and write-off as losses. That Dallas location was getting really close to the ‘Chipotles Lost to Anarchy ‘ list, and I’m really glad to put it back into the ‘Law-Abiding Chipotles’ list. At the time, it was on another list I have, ‘In-Limbo Chipotles.’
“I also have a list of haunted Chipotles, which is a whole other issue,” complained Mr. Chipotle.
DALLAS – Dallas city officials are targeting new measures in their battle against the West Nile Virus outbreak.
One area official confirmed that the southside mosquito hatchery of popular local “Mosquito Dave” was under consideration to be shut down.
“Everyone loves Mosquito Dave. I’m not sure why he has a mosquito farm, but I guess he’s serving some community need,” said a city council member.
“We’ve got to consider all of our options though, however unpleasant they may be.”
Despite reports that Dave’s vast pools of stagnant breeding grounds are the source of 90% of the local mosquito population, many are reluctant to take action.
“We should do everything we can in this battle against West Nile, but this seems a bit extreme,” said Dallas resident Cade Lewin. “Skeeter Dave is like a father to me, and all his mosquitoes are like my brothers and sisters. My tiny, flying, bloodsucking brothers and sisters.”
In a separate effort, officials also were expected to roll out a new door-to-door mosquito spraying program. Upon knocking at a residence, the new policy calls for anyone opening the door to be immediately doused with mosquito-killing chemicals to ensure their safety.
“People want to know they’re safe and that’s what we intend to do,” said one official. “We completely drench them with who-knows-what and that keeps away the mosquitoes. From what I recall it’s mostly just water anyway, water and assorted toxins.”